Last week, the popular boutique fitness chain SoulCycle filed for an initial public offering of stock. The indoor cycling studios have rabid following, but some are worried that the company’s brand of indoor cycling classes appeal only to a niche market and that it won’t be able to generate any real profitable growth. But we here at Janice have a couple ideas on how SoulCycle can keep their gravy train a-spinnin’!

For a small fee, let those who think they could actually ride their stationary bike on the street take it off the mounting and give it a go
SoulBall: 30 people going hard as hell to the rim for 45 minutes in a dark, candlelit room
Convince non-stationary bike riders of the inconvenience of not ending up in the same dark, smelly room that you started in
Add jumps?
SoulBox: 30 people beating the hell out of one another for 45 minutes in a dark, candlelit room
In the interest of creating repeat customers, slowly phase out its culture of positivity and support and start referring to customers “fat lil’ spin piggies”
SoulTennis: 30 people going hard as hell on some wall ball for 45 minutes in a dark, candle lit room
Get into the in-home-equipment-for-drunk-teens-to-fuck-around-on-during-basement-parties market.
Let customers make one solid pass at their instructor for an extra five bucks
SoulKayak: 30 people paddling like hell for 45 minutes in a dark, candlelit pool
Classes start at $30 each so maybe just start charging $40 and see if anyone says anything?
Retrofit the bike wheels to spin yarn, then sell. That. Yarn.
SoulPitch: 30 people throwing baseballs hard as hell for 45 minutes in a dark candelit room
Let creeps pay to come in and sniff the room between classes
Lift the company’s silly ban on making motorbike noises with your mouth
SoulOyster: 30 people shucking like hell for 45 minutes in a dark, candlelit room
Up clothing sales by making loose skull tanks cool, then make tight skull tanks cool and convince everyone to burn their loose skull tanks, then, and this is the important part, make loose skull tanks cool again
SoulMove: 30 people trying to fit big as hell couches through small as hell doorways for 45 minutes in a dark, candlelit room