2015 was a very difficult year for me. I lost my job as an elementary school janitor. My common law wife of nineteen years stole all my money and left after breaking both my legs in my sleep. My dog ate my children. But I have a lot of irons in the fire that could possibly make 2016 “my year.”
I've got a nice lead on an unpaid internship at a kill animal shelter. I'm currently going through a rigorous seven week interview period where I'm expected to snap the necks of unwanted dogs and cats for no pay, along with light Xeroxing and database management. Some might say this is “beneath” a former Ukrainian aerospace engineer, but hey, in this economy, you take what you can get.
I've been seeing a woman named Maria who's made it apparent that she doesn't like the person I am and is only with me to help her boyfriend smuggle narcotics and firearms into the US. His name is Marco and he and his gang enter my home every third weekend. Marco and Maria make love on my bed and force me to sleep outside in a pup tent. The cartel likes to shoot fireworks at my tent and leave their used condoms in my propane grill. It definitely gives my cheeseburgers a tangy aftertaste! That's a joke I would love to make if Marco and Maria didn't stuff my mouth with old socks. But Marco and Maria have made it specifically clear they have found a new front for 2016 and will be moving on after they “eliminate all the loose ends” of their current operation.
I'm eyeing a new iPad to replace my old one my neighbor took to watch heaps of child porn. It was just my luck that there were no witnesses and everything was in my name. If a jury allows me within ten feet of an electronic device or a minor, a new iPad would really catapult my 2016 into the fast lane of the information superhighway.
I've purchased a gym membership, but knowing me, I probably won't even end up going. That's OK, though, because my cult leader Jim Starchild says gyms are a Jewish conspiracy and our bodies will become irrelevant when we place our brains inside of his mind jar. Can you imagine a giant jar full of human brains? That's 2016 for you!
I'm also thinking about buying a dog that won't eat children.