Steve Bannon's Tips For Getting Ready In The Morning

by Nick Logsdon

First, it’s important to rise early and establish a routine. This allows you to be primed and sharp for when the day begins to drag. I prefer to wake up at 3:30 each morning, but an earlier time is just as fine.

Now here’s some products and how I use them to help you look and feel as God intended: like me, supreme.

1. Two bags of ice and any toilet: The very first thing I do when I emerge from my resting cellar, is fill my toilet-bowl with two bags of ice, place my entire head in the ice and flush repeatedly. The icy water does wonders to restore your senses to their usual austerity.

2. Uncooked Pork Sausage Eye Pads: These pads serve as the ideal alternative to the traditional cucumber ones. You can fashion them into flat circular pads yourself, or purchase the sliceable Jimmy Dean Regular Roll. An initial cool blast of refrigerated pork followed by the warmth of meat rot will relax the muscles surrounding your eye sockets allowing them to contort into inhumanly possible scowls.

3. Muddy Puddle: Outside your home there should be a gutter dividing the sidewalk and street. Take a hose (any kind will do), some loose dirt and gravel, and fill the gutter with these materials. Sit in the muddy puddle and splash until its contents cover your naked skin. The wet composition of your backyard will saturate your pores retaining the oils desperately trying to escape your body. Follow by rinsing your hair with my personal favorite daily moisturizing shampoo: Vaseline.

4. Loctite Superglue Conditioner: I choose this hair product because it actually follows through on promises other brands fail to keep. My hair has never felt the sweet spot between viscosity and bacon grease so effortlessly. Apply after your morning puddle soak.

5. Viking 30” Electric Single Oven: Now, I’m not totally beholden to this specific brand of ovens. I’m sure Thermador, GE, and others will do the job, but this is the product I have and use to heat my entire head. During your sausage pad revival, preheat the oven to 450 degrees. When the oven signals it’s ready, remove your sausage pads, place your entire skull onto the middle rack, and bake for two-minutes.

6. Alfredo Creme D’Visage: I make this myself before sleeping each evening, and you can too. Using a clove of garlic, 4 Tablespoons of butter, 2 quarts of heavy whipping cream, and a cup of sherry cooking wine, I concoct a flawless facial lotion to keep you wide awake yet totally bleary-eyed.

7. Eau d’Curry et Coors: Yellow curry (the Thai kind) and Coors Banquet is a specialty combination of fragrances scientifically proven to make women more attracted to you and men tremble at the knee in your presence. I credit my virility to this very cologne. Nothing makes me more confident.

There you have it. If you use these products and follow my exact instructions you will find yourself feeling assertive, definitely not like a suckling hog, and uniquely presidential. 

Nick is a writer based in Los Angeles and a recent graduate of Loyola Marymount University. He likes to brag that his apartment has a hot tub. 

This Startup Holds Together The Fabric Of Space-Time

by Matt Baca

Physicists at the Large Hadron Collider recently determined that everything everywhere could just—blammo—disappear because of the nature of the Higgs boson, a very small and important elementary particle. At any moment! 

But let’s talk about why the possible impending collapse of the universe and/or multiverse presents a great early-stage investment opportunity. Our beta testing shows that urban twenty- to thirty-somethings have a non-negligible hope that the whole world and many of its particles will continue not vanishing into a yawning chasm of utter nothingness. We also like t-shirts with silly slogans.

Over the last several years, particles have made up some of America’s best things—things like air, water, and Bryan Cranston. We think people pretty much everywhere, and especially Millennials, have gotten comfortable with matter and the forward-moving arrow of time. In fact, most would resist any other way of life, such as living in a complete vacuum or in an even completer vacuum that’s void of quantum fluctuations.
 
That’s why we harness the power of the crowd to disrupt the universe's fundamental instability. Our users press a simple, UI-optimized button to request the continued existence of time and matter up to three times per day from any device or platform (unlimited times per day for Pro Members). Each time our users click the EXYST button, we feed a message straight into the very essence of the universe. Rather than getting into the theoretical physics, which I can assure you we totally get, let’s just say this: we have a 100% association between use of our platform and the continued non-disappearance of everything!

We’re like Uber for everything existing!

And here’s why we’re growing. This generation doesn’t want to just exist like our parents’ generation. Millennials won’t simply wait and see if things we care about will continue not blinking out of existence, things like social justice and air plants. No. We want to contribute something immediate and substantial to all things everywhere by tapping a button a few times each day. Our users love doing their part to maintain the relativistic tapestry that weaves together time, space, and heirloom grains!

We have great traction already, with nearly hundreds signed up, plus an enviable rate of returning users thanks to our targeted and tested notifications:

Are you the kind of person who clicks this button or the kind of person who doesn’t believe MARRIAGE EQUALITY or anything else should exist?

Breaking: science shows that KICKBALL depends on particles.

You won’t be alone in investing in us. We’ve already raised $2 million in seed and venture funding. We’re putting that investment straight into an in-office staging of Neil deGrasse Tyson’s Cosmos: A Spacetime Odyssey, which we’ve been really meaning to watch!

Plus, both co-founders have read part of that book about string theory!

How are we going to make money? Our advertising partners know that if you’re young and glad things exist, you’ll love these colorful wingtips! And lower student loan rates! Check out these 11 weird things you can do to improve your memory… only within a physically-existing universe! Plus we collect and sell valuable data on our users, including (but not limited to) everything they choose not to opt out of not not sharing with us.

Hey—we just raised another $1 million! We’re going to convert the first floor of our building into a giant game of Hungry Hungry Hippos! It’ll simulate particle collisions or whatever.

Here’s how our startup doesn’t work. It is not the case that clicking our proprietary button sends an email to god@universe.com. Or that this startup is just a scheme to effectuate a very specific and detailed fantasy that involves playing a game of giant Hungry Hungry Hippos with Neil deGrasse Tyson and Bryan Cranston. And in this specific and detailed fantasy we become really good friends and custom design a silly t-shirt with a physics pun, something like “Boson Buddies.” Ha!

And no, it’s not the case that we wake up at night wondering how-slash-why god@universe.com returns a bounceback and if anyone out there is listening at all!

Non-trivial possibility of cataclysmic armageddon? More like spontaneous tunneling to an exit event. Right? Thanks for considering us and the standard model of particle physics!

Matt Baca is an attorney for migrant farm workers and a writer in Colorado.

Minneapolis Dept. Of Tourism Asks Marvel To Ruin Their City

by Richie Pepio

Dear Mr. Stanley Lee,
 
Your movies feature action in New York, London, Washington, D.C., and, according to my nephew, the planet-sized-floating-head-of-a-decapitated-Celestial. But when will your Avengers protect Minneapolis?
 
Seriously! Inspire legions of new fans by blowing the Twin Cities into a flaming cinematic HELLSCAPE!
 
Here are some suggestions for your next Marvelous venture:

Open on veteran and hero, Captain America, paying respects to fallen comrades at THE GRAND ARMY OF THE REPUBLIC CIRCLE on VICTORY MEMORIAL PARKWAY!

Anthony Stark, aka The Iron Man, gives a lecture on Minnesota tech startups in the post-recession economy, when an executive with a British accent reveals himself as Thor’s evil brother, Loki! The Iron Man shoots a laser — out of his chest! Loki blocks it with one of his mythological fishing nets, but gets tied up and bound in entrails (source: en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Loki)! At the New Stark Building in THE MINNEAPOLIS FINANCIAL DISTRICT!

Thor and Natalie Portman search for the last golden compass or something in either the AMERICAN SWEDISH INSTITUTE or the MINNESOTA STREETCAR MUSEUM! Then, a space-hologram of Anthony Hopkins as God tells Thor that he’s had the power in him all along and he must fulfill the prophecy hidden in the first draft of The Great Gatsby at the F. SCOTT FITZGERALD HOUSE in ST. PAUL, “the most livable city in America!”

Oh, for cute! The Hulk and Cobie Smulders (TV’s $#*! My Dad Says) kiss in one of the movie’s only “talking” scenes at the always-romantic MINNEHAHA FALLS!

Later, Thor leads the Avengers to the new US BANK STADIUM! They distract Thanos by surrounding Thor by other Vikings — THE MINNESOTA VIKINGS! The Vikes’ offensive line subdues Thanos with a “clothes-line tackle” while he’s finally overtaken by the local FOND DU LAC BAND of the LAKE SUPERIOR CHIPPEWA RESERVATION and their brand of NATIVE AMERICAN SPIRIT MAGIC!

Thanos dies! Falling on one of several UGLIER LOCAL STRUCTURES LISTED IN ATTACHED MEMO!

At the end, the mayor of Minneapolis (played by you, the incomparable Stanley) gives the Avengers the key to the city while Samuel Jackson gives them a piece of his mind — on the steps of TARGET FIELD, home of 1991 World Series Champs, THE MINNESOTA TWINS!

But don’t you know it, post-credits, we see Thanos’ fist come up through his grave plot in TEMPLE ISRAEL CEMETERY!

 
By considering these alterations to either Captain America 4, Thor 3, or a future spinoff with a working title of Avengers: Minnetonka War, we can promise you a competitive tax break and a premiere at the famed GUTHRIE THEATER! You can bet I’ll be there opening night dressed as my favorite comic book character, Linus!
 
Excelsiorly Yours,

Glenn Winnipeg
Director, Minneapolis Dept. of Tourism

Richie Pepio is a writer, actor, and improviser who tumbls @Mindctrlaltdel and tweets @RichiePepio.

ISIS Has Targeted My Left Maxillary First Bicuspid, Left Maxillary Second Bicuspid, and Right Mandibular Second Molar

by Dustin Mark

I know I haven’t come for my suggested yearly checkup in three or four years, but I promise you I still put effort into maintaining good oral hygiene. I brush three times a day, I floss twice a day and I even go through about three packs of fluoride gum a week. Clearly I’m not neglecting my teeth. You have to believe me: the cavities you found are only there because ISIS is targeting my first and second left maxillary bicuspids and my right mandibular second molar.
 
I know it sounds crazy, but crazy things happen in the world. Trust me, if I wanted to make an excuse for plaque build-up, I’d pick something more plausible. This isn’t me lazily trying to pass a lie that I hurt my wrist playing basketball, which made brushing difficult, or that since my parents got divorced my teeth have gotten worse because my dad only buys soft-bristle brushes. I’m not a child. I wouldn’t lie to a dentist and I don’t claim to know more about teeth than you. I never imagined that Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi would know who I am, let alone that he would order a strike to decay my teeth, specifically those that you’ll notice have amassed tarter.
 
I first noticed the cavities developing a few months ago, not long after I sent out a series of anti-ISIS tweets. I had no idea the scope of ISIS’s geopolitical reach was this great, or that they would go to such lengths to bring down western values/dental care. I used to view the organization as this country’s determined enemy, but now I see them for what they are: savage murderers and heartless, anti-American tooth-rotters.
 
Now, my parents’ insurance will cover this checkup but will not cover the cost of a filling, which, as you can see, I could use three of. I’m currently not in much of a position to pay for dental work (considering all the money I spend on floss picks), but I’m in the process of applying for support from the US Victims of State Sponsored Terrorism Fund, which would compensate me for all costs spent repairing damages caused by ISIS, Al-Qaeda, or any other major terrorist organization known to target American civilians. All I need from you is your signature here; this states that you have observed dental damage that could only have been caused by the work of radical or militant extremists.
 
You will likely be contacted by the Department of Justice to verify your credentials, which I hope you don’t find inconvenient…that is, I hope you don’t find your civic duty inconvenient. While I don’t claim to be a hero per se, it certainly would be a heroic act to assist a victim of terror and stand up for the values of the U.S. Constitution. They give awards to people like that, you know. Can you picture it? Dr. Jeremy Nimitz, DDS, recipient of the Presidential Medal of Freedom. That medal sure would look nice up there next to your diploma.
 
To my knowledge, the terrorist group has only targeted these three teeth, though I would not be surprised if they expanded their strike. You’ll notice that my upper right cuspid has early traces of coffee stains; I suspect that one might be next. The goodie bag waiting for me after this appointment with travel toothpaste and floss is, I’m afraid, an empty gesture, and I suggest that you give my allotted parting gifts to someone whose welfare is of no concern to the Emir.
 
This appointment is supposed to be about me, but I do feel inclined to warn you: don’t think that just because you brush and floss and gargle Listerine you’re safe, because you’re not. No one is safe. We are being targeted – me in particular, and now you by association. You’re welcome to stand up for yourself – call your congressman, take a self-defense class, join your neighborhood watch – but I’m not sure how much of a difference you’ll make. I might just wake up with another cavity tomorrow.
 
I’ll keep brushing regularly, of course, but there’s only so much I can resist. My teeth are officially under control of the Islamic State, and there’s nothing you, Crest, Oral-B, or anyone else can do about it. Besides signing this form.

Dustin Mark is a writer and comedian in New York City. His work is largely unpublished and he performs standup comedy when asked to

Creative Workouts to Do While Visiting the Old Mansion I Inherited From My Great-Uncle

by Cameron Bradford

Welcome to my abode. I know this place is a bit rustic, but I think you’ll get used to it. My uncle Allister lived here for years before dying and bequeathing it to me. Yep, no living heirs; he had seven wives and they all died in child birth. Allister’s children all seemed to die from genetic diseases or freak accidents usually before the age of ten—bad luck I guess. Of course, all that drove Allister absolutely mad. Anyway, I know this place isn’t exactly a fitness complex but by being creative, I’ve found a lot of fun and unique exercises to do here. Here are just a few.

Anaerobic Exercises

This estate is littered with ways to spice up boring, old anaerobic standards. Like doing sit-ups outside the abandoned east tower and, with each up motion, trying to get a look at the watchful, old owl that roosts up there. After about thirty reps, it becomes clear that the owl knows things no owl should know. 

Lunge-walking through the overgrown garden until the blind woman grabs your wrist is a perennial treat. In my experience, you can get around fifty lunges in before the mourning, old widow startlingly grabs you and draws you into the rheumy void of her gaze. Looking for an extra challenge? Do five extra lunges for each time she asks you if you’ve seen Gregory.

If you like doing push-ups or Supermans, there’s no better place to do them than on the lake quay. As you do the exercises, gaze into the serene water. You may see one of the faces of the drowned lovers. They may even invite you in. DO NOT ACCEPT. 

If you can brave the famously hard chin-up, the perfect place to do it is in the shady pine forest. You should be able to find a branch to do them on without too much trouble, but keep an eye out for any tormented townsfolk who were driven to hang themselves, that’s been a problem lately. Remember to go all the way up, they’re not called ‘chin-ups’ for nothing! 

For some low impact exercise, I would recommend power-walking around the perimeter of the house. The laps equate to about a quarter mile. Look up, and you’ll see that the weather vane is following your every move. That’s because it’s trying to protect you. “Protect me from what?” you may ask. Only the weather vane knows. If anything is wrong, it will spin erratically.

Lay out a mat or just embrace the always-damp grass and do yoga by the gravestone that displays your name. The onyx headstone marks the grave of Allister’s faceless son, Albert. Albert’s epitaph becomes a palimpsest bearing the name of whoever stands before it. If the stone sees that you’re gradually increasing the difficulty of your poses, it may just add a few years to your date of death. No personal trainer is that good of a motivator! 

Explore the house enough and you will notice that there’s a fully-equipped weight room. You’re welcome to use it but be sure to have a spotter because the weights inevitably become much heavier once in use and end up crushing the foot of or asphyxiating whoever’s using them.

Aerobic Exercises

If you’re the type to go in for high-energy workouts like spinning, Jazzercise, Zumba, or just doing aerobics to music, then I would hit up the music box room. It’s a little dusty (what room isn’t?) because no one goes in there, but for some reason the music boxes just play and play, never needing rewound which you’ll be thankful for when you’re in the heat of your workout. 

Row out to the middle of the lake and find your way back to shore through an ever dense fog. If you take the boat out on a clear day, within minutes you will be inundated in a disorienting and profuse fog; this just happens to add the perfect extra challenge for anyone who’s trying to blast their upper body. 

There are many great destinations for runners on the property. My favorite might be the endless tunnel. Run for as long as you want—nay, physically are able to. The end is always in sight but never gets any closer. Once you’re completely self-resigned, just turn around and the entrance will be right in front of you. It always gets me!

Does a tunnel sound too stuffy? Take to the winding roads and jog to the docks in town before sunrise to try to speak to the quiet, old fisherman. He can answer any questions you have about the history of the area but be warned: he hasn’t spoken to anyone in years and will most likely dodge any attempts you make to speak with him. Jog back to the estate for a challenging but not-too-hard morning run.

Are you more goal-oriented? Try Chasing the mysterious woman in the flowing dress up the winding set of stairs. Why use a stair-stepper when there’s a perfectly good set of stairs and a beautiful woman, whose face is always obscured by a brush of hair or her flailing arm, always running from you? 

Special Accommodations

Do you get overheated pretty easily? Take your workout down to the wine cellar. Avoid any rooms that have music, laughter, and a warm flickering glow coming from them though; that’s generally a trap. 

If you have an ambitious workout regimen but can’t find the time in the day for it, check out the time dilation room. I slept in this room once, and when I awoke the next morning, it wasn’t the next morning at all, but rather only a couple minutes later than I had entered the room. I don’t know what the deal with that room is, but we set up a treadmill and Bowflex in there, so feel free to use it!

A Brief Note to Dieters

Try to avoid the dining room that is always set with a lavish feast. Walk in on this gorgeous and extravagant spread and you’ll think it was prepared just for you (and maybe it was). But don’t partake; not only would you be sabotaging your diet, but as soon as you leave your seat, the illusion fades and you realize that the lavish feast was nothing but fetid carrion.  

Enjoy your stay and always remember to keep your goal in mind!

Cameron is a humor writer based in New York. He currently contributes to ClickHole. You can find more of his jokes on Twitter @cameronbadfood.