Linda got all his dress bandanas in the divorce.
Beach restaurant in Tampa just a front for a string of illegal beach restaurants.
Cannot mention daughter Brooke without smacking his chops.
Cannot mention son Nick without smacking his chops.
Wished nickname was “Chulk Hogan,” blames unfortunate “Hulk” moniker on African-Americans.
Loves the extra duck sauce he gets when he orders Chinese takeout - “it shows they care, brother.”
“Who's buying those individual 1/8 inch screws at Home Depot? Buy a box and get the fuck out, brother.”
Rowdy Roddy Piper much more docile after a soft petting.
Got in on the ground floor of ISIS.
Once pitched a six month program with Ultimate Warrior where he would first wrestle Pre-antepenultimate Warrior, Antepenultimate Warrior, and Penultimate Warrior.
Refuses to cry in public fearing inevitable “Sulk Hogan” tabloid headline.
Only became a professional wrestler to avoid the shame of being a non-famous racist.
"I can't think of three good songs off Surfer Rosa, brother. Bring on the Internet hate."
Son Nick was born via immaculate conception.
Biggest pet peeve? Dirty rain gutters.
Second biggest pet peeve? African-Americans.
"Unleaded gasoline is for foreign cars only, brother."
An entire episode of Saturday Night's Main Event had to be re-taped because he kept calling Vince McMahon “Vance McMuffin.”
“I'll take Hardcore Pawn over Pawn Stars any day of the week, brother.”
"The 'T' in Mr. T doesn't stand for Ten Inches, but it should, brother."
Ruined another episode of Saturday Night's Main Event trying to eat Vance McMuffin.
Magic's Biggest Secrets Revealed: All Magic Tricks Involve Actual Magic
I am writing this article with much trepidation. The secrets of magicians are closely guarded – even many fellow magicians aren't quite sure how certain tricks are done, and the penalty for publicly revealing these secrets is severe. “What's the big deal?” I hear you ask. Sure, there may have be books and television specials that claim to reveal magic's biggest secrets. But they are full of lies, carefully crafted to throw would-be magic secret-finders off the scent of magic's real secrets. But I can stand to conceal the truth no longer.
Levitating A Woman
How does that woman float in the air? A harness and nearly invisible wires? No. Look closely. As the magician is getting you to pay attention to the woman with a wave of his right hand, he is carefully channeling all of his psychic energy in his left hand. Fiendish, no? With his left hand completely free to reverse the flow of gravity, the magician slowly and deliberately causes the woman to “float.” Not so much of a trick after all, now that you know the secret.
Sawing A Woman In Half
How does the magician give the appearance of sawing a woman in half? It's not some deftly-made box with hidden compartments, that's for sure. It's not even the magician. Only a select few women, known in the magician community as “Morphers” possess the ability to alter their physical appearance and displace weight into the ether. This unbelievably sexy ability is passed down via the pure blood line of Cain, the first human to be born in the Bible. The “woman” hasn't been sawed in half at all – she's a Morpher who has sent her torso into neitherspace. Simple, yet brutally effective.
The Bullet Catch
Many magicians claim this trick to be the most dangerous of all. Houdini's friends and fellow magicians begged him not to attempt it, fearing for his life. But how is it done? A gimmicked gun? Clever slight of hand? No. Ultra fast healing. The bullet is shot into the magician's open mouth. Then, the magician psycho-kinetically manipulates his white blood cells, activating the body's supernatural ability to restore tissue. The bullet is then spit back up from the throat to the magician's mouth with his exceptional command of his throat muscles. Even the world's most dangerous magic trick can be reduced to just two simple steps.
Making A Giant Object Disappear
Whether it's a super yacht or the Statue of Liberty, magicians have been been making massive objects and landmarks disappear. But how? Watch when the magician places a large sheet over the object. This is no ordinary piece of cloth– it's actually an ancient Babylonian relic infused with the power of the Hebrew god Yahweh. This sheet opens up a portal to the kingdom of Heaven, where the object is temporarily housed and then returned to Earth when the trick is done. The next time you see a magician make something disappear, don't be fooled– you now know how it's done.
Got Your Nose
Many magicians delight young babies by “grabbing” their noses off their faces. These babies cry out in delight, both in wonderment as to how they could lose their nose and in amusement of the silliness of the situation. But what's really going on? Yes, the magician is feigning removing the nose with a simple “thumb between the index and middle finger” sleight, but the next time you see this trick performed, pay close attention to the magician's words. When the magician says, “got your nose!' in a sing-song cadence, that's when the magician is inflicting the baby with a Gaelic curse, dooming him or her to a life of gullibility and poor spatial intelligence. That's why the more the trick is performed, the more the baby believes it. It also explains why humanity is slowly getting dumber and the world is going down the toilet. Not so “tricky” anymore, huh, magicians?
Drake’s a Fake? 8 Lines That Prove That Drizzy Writes His Own Rhymes
On Tuesday, rapper Meek Mill accused fellow rhyme-smith Drake of not writing his own lyrics, which is total fucking bullshit because Drake is the fucking man. Drake has yet to respond to the “ghostwriting” allegations publicly, and honestly he shouldn’t even need to fuck with that weak-ass shit, so in the interest of squashing this shit out, we here at Janice have gone ahead and found eight lines that could have only come from Young Money himself.
“I’m from Canada, where it is very cold /
Toronto is where I live and where I want to grow old”
The words of a hometown boy reppin’ hard if I ever heard ‘em! Drake’s life-long love for “The 6” is all over this line and he even sneaks in a few references to Canada’s notoriously chilly temps, just for his fellow “True North-ers” to catch!
“I like pretty women, I like them a lot /
How many have I dated? Oops! I forgot"
Uh-oh! Player alert! Only a true ladies’ man like Drake could drop a rhyme dripping with that much swag!
“A bunch of my friends rap, but I think I’m the best /
When it comes to rappers, there’s two kinds: me and the rest”
Heavy weighs the crown and no one knows that better than Drake. You gotta be at the top looking down to spit something like this.
“I didn’t use to have money, but now I am rich /
Being poor was OK, but wealth is the better sitch”
Life wasn’t always big mansions, fast cars, and tasty champagne for Drizzy Drake and this kind of raw perspective on which lifestyle is preferable, being rich or being poor, could only have come from someone who truly “started at the bottom.”
“I was on ‘Degrassi,’ but now I am not /
On TV I was in a wheelchair and now you see me walk”
It’s well know that Drake made the transition from teen-star to rapper, but it’d be impossible to write poetry like this based on that information alone.
“I like hanging with Beyonce and Kanye West /
Nicki Minaj, Jay-Z; my friends are the best!”
Drake is notoriously loyal and this is some of that that real down-from-day-one, no-new-friends shit that he lives and breathes. You just can’t fake that.
“I’m in love with Rihanna, but it’s hard to make it work /
I try to treat her nice, but sometimes I’m a jerk”
Intimate relationship details in a song like this will make you think that Drake just went and put his text messages to a beat. The woman in this song sounds a lot like Drizzy’s old flame, Pop/R&B Diva Rihanna, but I guess only he knows for sure.
“When I was a little kid, my dad wasn’t around /
He lived in a different house, in a completely different town”
Drake has always had a rep as a “sensitive rapper,” but you can’t just imagine that kind of pain. You had to have lived it.
A Definitive Ranking Of All The Dr. Who's By People Who Have Never Seen Dr. Who
Wow. A definitive ranking of all the Dr. Who's. It's a list that's been debated for decades by die hard Dr. Who fans, or Who-sers, as they feasibly could call themselves. The decades long British science fiction series that no one at Janice has any interest in seeing inspired much debate at our office. We toiled away over the course of a long weekend, fielding any and all arguments in our Tardis about Daleaks, but I think we finally have the definitive list of the greatest Dr. Who's of all time. Note: we are only counting the television Doctors in this list. To include all the Doctors throughout media would have caused us to tear our hair out! Also, who cares.
1. David Tennant (Tenth Doctor)
On first glance, David Tennant looks like someone who would be well-liked as Dr. Who. He is not the most recent Dr. Who, which makes him someone fans probably look back on with nostalgia, and he played the Good Doctor (I am assuming this is a nickname) at a time when many current fans were probably getting into the series.
2. Tom Baker (Fourth Doctor)
Tom played the Doctor right in what looks like the “glory days” of the series. He's probably a beloved figure, and saying he's your favorite Doctor is probably like saying Joel is your favorite on Mystery Science Theater 3000. Safe and predictable Tom Baker is an obvious, no-brainer number 2.
3. Matt Smith (Eleventh Doctor)
Matt Smith is someone who looks like he has done Doctor Who for a while. This either means he was beloved or took a while to secure a new gig so he could transition out of doing this awful nerd shit. Either way, he is a sure-fire pick for the third greatest Doctor.
4. Peter Davison (Fifth Doctor)
We assume Peter Davison was the Doctor of our readers' older brothers. For this reason, there is almost assuredly a weird reverence surrounding Davison, as if decrying Davison would still get them kicked off the brand new Pentium machine in the family room.
5. Sylvester McCoy (Seventh Doctor)
Sylvester McCoy is the “real McCoy” as Dr. Who. We almost ranked him as number four, but it felt too high for some reason. Let's go with our gut on this and keep Sylvester McCoy at number five.
6. Patrick Troughton (Second Doctor)
Being the second doctor means you have to fill some kind of doctoral shoes. Was Patrick Troughton up for the job? He did the job, that's for sure, and like anyone who goes second, he probably did it competently. Also, since this was the mid to late sixties, the show probably didn't jump the shark and start doing goofy fan service shit yet like have all the doctors time travel and hang out with each other.
7. William Hartnell (First Doctor)
Wialliam Hartnell is the first doctor, which means he's either really good and is the “classic” pick or kind of corny and only loved by people whose favorite Star Wars character is C3PO. By putting him in the middle, we're hedging our bets. Too high? Too low? Sound off in the comment section below!
8. Paul McGann (Eighth Doctor)
What can you say about Paul McGann, the eighth Doctor? I do not know what you can say about him, as I have never watched Dr. Who. Number eight.
9. Peter Capaldi (Twelfth Doctor)
Peter Capaldi is the most recent doctor, and is not as good as some of the doctors in the past, but is doing alright. How hard is it to pretend to travel through space and fight monsters? Almost any actor could pull it off.
10. Jon Pertwee (Third Doctor)
Look, we know Jon Pertwee is definitely better than his ranking. You know it, too. Seeing his name this low made you a little mad, didn't it? “How could they do this to Jon Pertwee?” you thought. Sorry, Who-sers. There are no sacred cows. Number ten with conviction.
11. Colin Baker (Sixth Doctor)
This was the hardest ranking to do. We honestly thought we covered all the doctors, but the blank spot on number eleven had us guessing. “Who did we leave out?” we thought to ourselves for what seemed like minutes. A quick scan of the list and the Wikipedia page for actors who've played Dr. Who revealed the answer: Colin Baker. You can't sneak by us forever, Colin. Eleven with a bullet.
12. Christopher Eccleston (Ninth Doctor)
Christopher Eccleston was the doctor for only a year according to Wikipedia. Everyone had to hate him. Hell, I bet he hated being the Doctor. Imagine the nightmare of going to school to become a professional actor, struggling for years to hone your craft, hearing rejection after rejection, clawing your way into an industry that doesn't want you because you aren't “leading man” material, whatever the fuck that means, and when you finally get somewhere, now you have to do some goofy sci fi for children where you're piloting a spaceship with a silly voice alongside a snarky alien with two heads (we're guessing)? And on top of all that, an army of nerds is yelling at you to be more like a guy who died twenty years ago, was drunk half the time on set, and mugged his way through clever one-liners like a third-rate Jackie Gleason. Fuck this shit.
How Trump Seez It: The Apollo 13 Mission
After the controversy surrounding Donald Trump's comments about Senator John McCain's military service, we here at Janice wanted to give the real-estate mogul and Republican presidential candidate an opportunity to air his opinions on some of history's other "heroes" in a column we're calling "How Trump Seez It." First up, "The Donald" sets the record straight on the Apollo 13 Mission.
Losers. Every last one of them. Loser egg-head nerds on the ground in Mission Control and a big tin can full of rocket-jockey losers floating around up there in space. Correct me if I’m wrong, but the mission was to land on the moon and at the end of the day, I don’t care what happens, if you’re not landing on the moon, then it’s a bust. If we’re not coming home with a bunch of moon rocks and space dust, that goes down in the books at NASA as a big, fat “F.” Because while those clowns are slingshotting around with their thumbs up their butts, Russia and China and who knows who else are all shooting up there and taking all the good rocks and all the good dust and we’re gonna be left with the scraps and we’re never gonna know what the moon’s made of.
If those thin-necked, thick-rimmed nerds were as smart and as brave as Spielberg (who, by the way, is an incredibly overrated as a filmmaker and has done absolutely horrible things for sharks in this country) and Hanks (who, frankly, was out-acted by a volleyball) all the Hollywood know-nothings who made that pile of trash movie would have you think then they would have figured out a way to make the air good and then still landed on the moon. Or landed on the moon with the bad air. I don’t care. I only want to hear about the bad air if you make it to the moon.
It’s not like we were even asking these guys to do anything too hard. Grab some moon rocks, play in the moon sand, bounce around in their moon suits, play a little moon golf, drive the little moon cart, and then come home. Honestly, the whole thing sounds like a kid’s birthday party. A low-class kid’s birthday party with a lightweight theme.
If you want difficult, try building a multi-billion dollar empire real and creating hundreds of thousands of jobs for honest, hard-working LEGAL, NON-RAPING Americans. But these idiot screwups are the ones collecting all the medals and getting all the movies and I’m the one being called a “clown?” I’m not the clown. The astronauts are the clowns. Clowns at the kid’s party on the moon where they’re the clowns.
And, I mean, have you seen the moon? That thing is huge. Absolutely huge and so close it that it takes up most of the sky. People laugh at me when I say that I feel like I can reach up grab it or at the very least hit it with a rock, but it is, honestly, that close. If I took Derek Jeter, in his prime, up to 40,000 feet in my private jet and let him lean out the window, I guarantee that he could hit the moon with a rock, it is that close and that big. So if a group of trained astronauts, with rockets and suits and helmets and computers everything, can’t make it there and back then I think there is a serious problem and, frankly, it disgusts me.