Submission For Your Rap Skit Sketch Packet
We are seeking candidates to write rap skits for the new RZA album, tentatively titled “RZA Takes Manhattan.” The job will start in early September deep in the heart of Shaolin and run for 8 weeks. Non-WGA and non-Wu-Tang Clan.
The album is a celebration of the legendary rapper and producer RZA, seeing him explore new territory as well as revisit and re-imagine the sound that brought him to prominence. It will also have incredibly hilarious skits.
A submission consists of:
3-5 Topical Skits
RZA is looking to produce several skits that offer a degree of social commentary. These don't have to be political, but they should speak to a current news item. Please be more specific than the provided examples. Spend a couple sentences describing the skit – beyond the initial premise, what are some potential beats, what track will this segue into, etc.
Some examples:
RZA announces his candidacy for President, only to have Donald Trump interrupt and talk about how all the hood rats he knows are voting for Bernie Sanders.
RZA runs into the Greek Prime Minister Alexis Tsipras at the Staten Island Mall.
RZA vaccinates Jim Carry's kid, who, upon vaccination, quotes famous “The Mask” and “Ace Ventura” lines.
1-2 Bobby Digital Skits
We're also looking for skits featuring RZA's superhero alter ego, Bobby Digital. Please send pitches that are in the Bobby Digital “voice”.
Some examples:
Bobby Digital meeting with Mayor Bill de Blasio in the style of Batman and Commissioner Gordon. The mayor begs Bobby to fuck less bitches, but Bobby refuses.
Nick Fury chews out the Avengers and brings in a superhero who aint nothin to fuck with AKA Bobby Digital.
3-5 Desk Skits
RZA will be performing a lot of skits on this album that feature a desk. RZA recently purchased an antique Welsh mahogany writing desk and would like to talk about it as much as possible.
Some examples:
RZA calls out Kanye West for not being strong enough to lift up his antique Welsh mahogany writing desk.
RZA opens up a drawer in his antique Welsh mahogany writing desk and finds an ancient list of secrets, including the location of the Holy Grail, the secret to who's buried in Grant's tomb, and the name of the guy who killed Tupac.
Bill Murray comes to RZA's house in the middle of the night begging to buy the antique Welsh mahogany writing desk.
Additional Essay
Tell us a bit about yourself. What rap skits have you written before? Are you a member of the Wu-Tang Clan that we've somehow forgotten about? We told you this job was non-Wu affiliated, Cappadonna.
My Big-Money High-Roller Cash-Money Ten-Thousand-Dollar Atlantic City Guarantee
Dear readers,
Today is Tuesday, July 14, 2015. Tomorrow, July 15, 2015, I will be travelling to Atlantic City, “New Jersey’s Crumbling Diamond,” for a night of gambling. With you, the faithful readers of Janice, as my witnesses, I hereby guarantee that I will leave Atlantic City with no less than $10,000 in winnings.
Exactly one year ago, I went to the Borgata Casino and sat down at a blackjack table at 10:00 PM. When I got up from that same table at 4:00 AM, I was $4500 richer and had stretched the walls of my bladder to a point that a doctor would later call “irreversibly damaged.”
When I tell friends and family about the magical night when I became “High Roller,” they’re often quick to call it “beginner's luck” or “not a good enough reason to pull off of the highway at this exit to play a couple hands.” Some tell me that I’ll never have a night like that again. I want to win $10,000 so I can tell all those people to go straight to hell. I swear, it’s really not about the money and to prove it, I’ll quickly take everything that I win and use it to buy lots of very nice and expensive things.
What’s my secret? What makes me a “High Roller?” Unfortunately, I couldn’t tell ya. Sure, I know how to play blackjack, but you could teach a dog how to play blackjack. Like, you could train him to tap his paw on the table to “hit” and to shake his head to “stay” and stuff like that. I’m not saying he would win, I’m just saying that he could play. He’d probably lose pretty quick, but that’s still playing.
I’m definitely better than a trained dog, but I don’t know for certain what gives me that extra edge. Here are my best guesses:
I have a “high roller” mentality. After, I pulled the Borgata’s pants down and spanked it’s tiny little bottom red to the tune of four and half thousand bones, I tipped my dealer a cool one hundred bones. I spread the wealth, but more importantly I realized that I had started calling money “bones,” which the true mark of a High Roller.
I will not be influenced by all the “glitz.” The flashing lights and shiny polished surfaces will not knock me off my game. In fact, I find it all a bit tacky. My design sense is much more refined. If I had it my way, we’d be playing cards on minimalist teak tables and all of the dealers and waitresses would be wearing plain black smocks. Call me simple, but I don’t want anything distracting me from the horrible jolts of adrenaline coursing through my body while I risk giving away all of my earned money, thank you very much.
Nor will I be distracted by the pleasures of the opposite sex. If you’ve ever seen an advertisement on television for a casino, you know that they’re always filled with young, beautiful women looking for love, but it won’t be a factor for me. I am currently in a healthy, committed relationship with a woman that I love and a night of sex, no matter how wild or anonymous, is not worth breaking the trust that we’ve built together is the lie that I’ve made up and plan to tell any woman that approaches me so that I can focus on winning $10,000.
I do not subscribe to silly gambling superstitions. I don’t care where I sit at the table and I don’t care what kind of animal blood I bathe myself in before I play. My only “superstition” is the belief that God himself fashioned me in his image and put me on His earth to make big, fat stacks and that my cards being closer to twenty-one than the dealer’s cards is His divine will.
Honestly, I can only envision one scenario where I don’t drive out of Atlantic City with sacks full of iceberg, baby. It goes like this...
I am gambling so well that the casino believes that I must be cheating. After a brief verbal exchange wherein the pit boss asks me to leave the property and I insist on exercising my God-given right to stay and take them to the cleaners, things will turn physical when I then punch the pit boss in the chest and kick him the back of the knee all while pretending to sneeze. (I’m not exactly sure what that choreography will look like, but I’m confident that I will “find it on my feet.”) I will be forcibly removed from the casino by two very large bald men in suits. I expect these two to recognize me for the “high roller” that I am and to be extremely apologetic while breaking my nose and ribs. I will understand. They are doing their job, just like I am doing mine. My job, in case you forgot, is to rob sucker casinos blind.
After a purchasing a disguise and/or turning my clothes inside out and backwards, I will return to the casino and resume milking those bozos dry. The pit boss will be very upset to discover that the bearded and bespectacled and/or dressed-in-the-european-style gentleman who is gambling so well that he must be cheating is me again. After a brief verbal exchange wherein he tells me to “get the fuck out” and I tell him to “suck my dick” things will turn physical when I bite him in the neck while faking a heart attack. (Again, a movement piece to be “discovered in the moment.”) Because my seemingly perpetual hot streak is driving his employer into bankruptcy and because I continue to find sneaky ways to physically assault him, the pit boss will begin to see me as threat to his very livelihood. He will call upon the two large men in suits to “take care of me” and they will take me out back and very remorsefully shoot my brains out with guns.
For the record, I will consider my brains being shot out of my head to be a fulfilment of my “Big Money High Roller Cash Money Ten Thousand Dollar Atlantic City Guarantee.”
So there you have it, dear readers. I guarantee that I’m coming back with 10,000 bones or I’m coming back dead!
Let 'er ride!
Ryan "High Roller" Haney
First Half of the Year Movie Roundup
Hello, and welcome to my first half of the year movie roundup, where I will give my thoughts on the movies that I both liked and disliked so far in the first half of the year.
Favorite Franchise
My favorite franchise this year is Avengers: Age Of Ultron. Josh Whedon hit a home run with this witty, colorful tale about Tony Stark and his gang of slaves.
Favorite Line
I was really looking forward to the line “people need to know that the shaking is not over” ever since I saw the trailer for San Andreas. In the context of the full film, it didn’t disappoint. The shaking was, in fact, not over, both on screen and in my body as I quaked with delight.
Worst Line
“The earth will literally crack open and you will feel it on the East Coast,” also from San Andreas. How did the writers of my favorite line drop the ball so bad?
Best Visuals
I have to give it up to the stunning visuals in Furious 7. All the human characters looked incredibly realistic. For a second, I thought I was actually looking at real human people.
Biggest Box Office
Going by the numbers, the biggest box office so far this year was Jurassic World. In my opinion, however, you just can't top the box office of Pitch Perfect 2. Way to go, Pitch Perfect 2.
Hottest Lady
I’m something of an expert in pulling down strange wool. My hottest lady is Jada Pinkett Smith in Magic Mike XXL. If it's good enough for Will Smith, it's good enough for me. None of you can judge.
Favorite Episode of Bob's Burgers
The one where the children ran away. That was really funny.
Best Character
Chris Kyle from American Sniper. Unlike other movie characters, I know Chris Kyle in real life, and he is a good guy. That’s more than I can say for Ted 2, who has never repaid the money I lent to him.
Most Animated
There have been many animated films so far this year, but the most animated one has to be Inside Out. I don't think you can argue that Aloha or Tomorrowland were more animated, but I will keep an open mind.
Conclusion
I wanted to break this up because years are long. Things get forgotten. Remember last year’s Academy Awards when Grand Budapest Hotel won a bunch of awards, and you were like, “wait, didn’t that come out last year?” No, it came out earlier in the year. Crazy.
If The 2016 Presidential Candidates Were Tribe Hummus Varieties - Sponsored by Tribe Hummus
Trying to keep track of all of the 2016 Presidential Candidates is enough to make your head spin! But we here at Janice, with a little help from our friends at Tribe Hummus, have made the field a little easier to navigate by matching up some of the top contenders with the variety of Tribe Hummus that best fits their policies, platform, and personality. You only get one vote, but don’t worry! You can take home as many different varieties of Tribe Hummus as you want!
Jeb Bush - Tribe Classic Hummus
With his just-right-of-center stance and presidents for a father and a brother, it’s tempting to call Jeb a “classic” candidate. Speaking of which, it doesn’t get much more “classic” than the simple-yet-ridiculously-delicious combination of chickpeas, tahini, and garlic found in Tribe’s Classic Hummus! Does putting a third Bush in the White House speak to that family’s political pedigree or does it only point to the stagnation of American democracy? Don’t ask us! Should someone bring more pita chips? Heck, yes!
Hillary Clinton - Tribe Mediterranean Style Hummus
Like Jeb, Hillary also has a former POTUS in the family (just a reminder that Tribe Hummus is vegan, Bill!) and an extensive political background. She might look like a classic, but she’s got a few tricks up her sleeve, like social media savvy, progressive views on social issues like gay and women’s rights, and the fact that she’s… a woman! Tribe Mediterranean Style Hummus might look like Tribe Classic Hummus, but it has got a few tricks up its sleeve too, like a light drizzle of oil and a dusting of paprika. And just to be clear, “Mediterranean Style” isn’t a sneaky Benghazi reference! We’re not pointing any fingers at anybody! We’re too busy pointing our crudite at our Tribe Hummus!
Bernie Sanders - Tribe Farmers Market Harvest Carrot Hummus
The far left policies of this “crunchy” Independent Senator from Vermont are unlike anything this country has ever seen before and the bold combination of crisp carrots and zesty ginger in our new Tribe Farmers Market Harvest Carrot is unlike anything your mouth has ever tasted! We’ll see how Americans respond to his calls for increased wealth distribution and social programming, but in the meantime, how about this for a “socialist experiment?” Put out a bowl of new Tribe Farmers Market Hummus at your next party and see how many of your friends come running to the snack table!
Donald Trump - Tribe Garlic Hummus
Whenever “The Donald” opens his mouth, he gets people’s attention. It’s a feeling that Tribe Garlic Hummus lovers know well: the unmistakeable aroma of slow-roasted garlic on their breath gets anyone in a six foot radius going ga-ga for Tribe Garlic Hummus. By the way, we’re not saying that we agree with Trump’s recent immigrations comments. We’re also not saying that we disagree. We’re just saying it got people talking. That’s all. There’s no harm in that, right? Not like running out of Tribe Garlic Hummus!
Chris Christie - Tribe Swirl Fiery Sriracha Hummus
We can’t decide what’s hotter: the current New Jersey Governor’s temper or the sriracha sauce found in every bite of new Tribe Swirl Fiery Sriracha Hummus. That is not a comment on Christie’s ability to lead this country. We’re only having some fun by pointing out that sometimes the guy gets angry in public and Tribe has got a very nice spicy hummus. If you’re looking for meaningful political commentary, opinions, or discussion, you won’t find it here. If you’re looking for information on all of Tribe’s incredible hummus varieties, exciting hummus recipes, and more, visit tribehummus.com.