I Really Want to "Push It'' with Your Funny Wedding Photos

April 14, 2015 Ryan Haney

Hi Emily and Ben,

Ken the Wedding Photographer here! Thanks again for picking me to shoot your wedding! I'm honored to share your big day with you and capture the moments that you'll treasure for a lifetime.

One tiny thing: I got your "shot list" for the day and I noticed that you guys didn't put down any "Funny Photos." Big mistake! I've photographed so many wedding and the funny wedding photos are always the best part. I know what you're probably thinking: "Everybody always does the same funny wedding photos," right? Don't worry! I've got a bunch of ideas on how we can up the ante for some big time laughs!

First, you guys should do something like this photo, where the bride is dragging the groom away from his buddies.

The bride is like "Fun's over, pal.", right? And all the groomsmen are all like "Here comes this bitch to ruin our good time!" Because a woman is messing up a man's life by making him marry her. Very fun.

Emily, what if we got a shot of you holding a big leather leash and walking Ben around on his hands and knees like a fucking dog? Cause then it's really like that thing of, "Your life is over. I control you now. I own you. Marriage is a prison and I am your jailer." Do you guys have a leash that you'd want to use or do want me to bring one?

Here's one I've seen a lot that uses a little camera trick to make it look like the bride has turned into a giant and is about to squash the groomsmen with her foot.

It's all like "Here comes the bride... ZILLA!" Because women are big, crazy monsters about their weddings!

But now I'm thinking like "How bad and crazy can Bridezilla get?" Of course Bridezilla is gonna stomp out the groomsmen. Those sweaty, whisky-soaked, little horn dogs are always trying to find ways to fuck up a wedding. But we maybe get one of the Bridezilla foot squashing her Bridesmaids into a bloody pulp because they forgot their flowers in the limo? Or one of the Bridezilla foot squishing her mother and father's heads like little grapes when they make a last minute switch on the seating chart? Would the Bridezilla foot rub out the the budding life of her Flower Girl if she cried her way down the aisle? Oh! What about this? Father O'Donnell on his knees outside of the church, his hands clasped in prayer around a crucifix, his view of the Heavens blocked out by the bottom of your blue, boat-sized Manolo Blahniks. It's like, "Even God better watch out if he messes up my day!" right, Emily?! You get it because you're getting married, so you're, like, automatically insane. And trust me. You're gonna want a photo that makes it look like you're as insane as I know you are.

On that note, we could do one of the wedding party running away from a big dinosaur.

So good! It's all like "Is that a T-Rex?! We just wanted to have fun! This wedding is ruined! Ahh!"

But what if instead Photoshop-ing in a dinosaur, we put plopped in fifty-foot tall Emily trying to pass out sparklers to everyone? Cause then it's like everyone's saying "Is that Emily?! We just wanted to have fun! This wedding is ruined! Ahh!" Like, let's put something really scary in there to chase them, right? (Ben, you know what I'm talking about! Emily, don't you act like you're not awful and irrational!)

Oh! And Emily, we gotta make sure to get a shot of Ben staring at your boobs through a big telescope or something like this one.

I love it! He's all like "Finally, something about her I like."

Maybe we even go topless for this one? Maybe we just just have Ben fondling your bare breast with both hands? Because then it's really like "I view my wife, primarily, as a sexual object. The only consolation to being dragged kicking and screaming by this woman into a life of perpetual misery is my access to her physical body. I do not find joy in her personality or at the prospect of sharing a life together. The only "plus" for me in this arrangement is the inflated sense of ego I experience knowing that I now possess the rights to her reproductive capabilities." This one might be too steamy to put in the album, but I'll make sure to get you a copy to keep in the bedroom. ; )

When you guys are done laughing, let me know what you think!

Ken

Attention: The Office Men's Room Toilets Aren't Automatic Flush

April 12, 2015 Matthew Brian Cohen

Just so we have it officially in writing: the men's room toilets in this office building are not automatic flush. They are manual flush toilets with a flusher much like the one you probably have at home.

It is mind-boggling to me that I have to write this memo, but you guys have left me no other choice. I've left numerous reminders all on every stall door. I've placed Post-It Notes on each toilet clearly indicating where the flusher is. Yet at the end of single day, each of our seven men's room toilets are unflushed, without fail.

Let me cut you all off at the pass – the men's room toilets are not on a super-delayed automatic flush. When you leave the bathroom, they do not flush. After lunch, they do not flush. At 4:30, they do not flush. At one AM when the night janitor is restocking the paper towels, they still do not flush. They will only flush when someone flushes them, and that someone is always me. It has been a disgusting, and frankly, humiliating task to flush seven toilets filled practically to the brim of my employee's fecal matter. That's right – filled to the brim. How, you ask? Because they are not automatic flush toilets. They will not flush by themselves, even if they are dangerously close to overflowing. Yes, let me repeat that – there is no “dead man's switch” that flushes when the bowl reaches capacity. Did you know that when a toilet is too full of bowel movement, it will not flush until some of the bowel movement is removed? Someone has to manually remove excess bowel movement, flush the toilet, insert the excess bowel movement back into the toilet, flush, and repeat until all the bowel movement is gone. For the past five months, that someone has been me.

I'm sending this out as a company-wide memo because it apparently doesn't solely pertain to the men in the office. I've seen numerous women walk into the men's room to marvel at their automatic flush toilets, waiting in vain for them to flush. Entire workdays have been lost as both the men and the ladies stand around the toilets waiting for them to automatically flush. No, it is not pressure sensitive. You can add or remove as much weight as you want and the toilet will still not flush. No, it is not on a proximity trigger. You can travel fifty miles in any direction and the toilet will still not flush. No, there is no biometric scan. Please do not come into my office, drag me into the men's room, and force my head into a toilet full of your excrement anymore.

I don't know how this automatic flush rumor got started. Frankly, I don't want to know. I just want it to stop. The past five months have been the worst months of my life. My family has ordered my to stay at a Ramada Inn until I no longer come home smelling like human waste. I spend my nights showering for three and a half hours while the loud sounds of what I can only hope to be extremely violent group sex pour through the paper-thin walls.

Also, I cannot be responsible for physically digging used tampons out of the men's room toilets anymore. I don't know how you ladies got it in your head that an automatic flush toilet is a license to flush tampons. It is still bad for the plumbing.

Buyer Beware! A List of Everything The New Apple Watch CAN’T Do

April 9, 2015 Ryan Haney

There is a lot of buzz around the release of Apple’s newest product, the Apple Watch, later this month. We were all "gear"-ed up to try out the next step in wearable technology, but after a week of testing, the watch's lack of features really started to "tick" us off. We put together a list of the Apple Watch’s biggest limitations so you can decide for yourself if you want to spend the "time" to get your "hands" on one come April 24th.

Apple Watch was created so that we could spend less time with our noses stuck in our smartphones, but it does absolutely nothing to help you make sense of the cruel world you will now be forced to confront.

Apple Watch does not have a full keyboard. Instead, users can choose to reply to incoming messages with canned responses like “OK,” “What’s up?” or “I haven’t been completely honest with you.”

When strapped around your dog’s neck, Apple Watch does not act as “bark translator.”

The Photos app allows you to store up to 500 photos on the device, but trying to masturbate to those images is an exercise in futility. The display was too small to do the erotica we loaded on our review unit any justice and attempts to keep the watch face viewable while simultaneously stimulating one’s genitals devolved into a Chaplin-esque physical comedy routine for any poor soul whose “watch hand” and “jack hand” are one in the same. However, using the rubber sport watch band Apple provided as a masturbatory sleeve was a semi-pleasurable experience.

Apple Watch will not allow its users to travel backwards through time, only to make small, insignificant, often inconvenient jumps into the future.

We guess you can wear Apple Watch on a chain like a pocket watch, but come on…

Despite the watch’s advanced fitness tracking abilities, the Activity app will only tell the user whether it thinks they are an “Oinker” or a “Moo Moo Cow.”

“Off” mode offers very limited functionality.

Excels as a “conversation starter,” but falters as “pussy/dick magnet.”

Only 986,000 possible combinations of hardware models and strap styles.

Apple Watch’s Apple Pay is accepted at Whole Foods and McDonalds, but it does not allow for purchases made with “Social Media Currency.”

Unique and customizable watch faces only draw greater attention to the passing of time and the fact that nothing, especially not the little computer on your wrist, can stop from you from turning into a small pile of sand, just like everything else there ever was or ever will be.

An NCAA Basketball Championship Pre-Game Sizzle Reel

April 7, 2015 Ryan Haney

INT. GYMNASIUM - NIGHT

STUDENT ATHLETE stands in the middle of a dramatically lit basketball court with a basketball under one arm. He looks to camera and smiles.

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STUDENT ATLETE flexes both of his biceps. He looks to camera and smiles.

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STUDENT ATHLETE shoots a three-pointer on a dramatically lit hoop. Before the ball goes in, he turns, looks to camera, and smiles.

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STUDENT ATHLETE, stone faced, unblinking, stares down the barrel of the camera.

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STUDENT ATHLETE spins a basketball on his finger. He looks to camera and laughs.

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STUDENT ATHLETE

I am [NAME OF SCHOOL]. I bleed [SCHOOL COLORS].

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STUDENT ATHLETE looks longingly at championship trophy.

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STUDENT ATHLETE chugs a COKE ZERO, Official Sponsor of the NCAA.

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STUDENT ATHLETE slams a basketball in his hands. Upon impact, the basketball disintegrate into dust. He blows the dust into the air, turns to camera and smiles.

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SIX WOMEN lie on their backs in a row on the court in front of STUDENT ATHLETE. A ball in each hand, STUDENT ATHLETE performs complicated dribbling maneuvers in the space between the women's heads. He looks to camera and smiles. SIX WOMEN look to camera and smile.

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STUDENT ATHLETE, stone faced, unblinking, makes "gun hands" to camera.

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STUDENT ATHLETE spins a ball on his finger. Next to him, a TRAINED SEAL dressed in a matching jersey, spins a ball on its nose. STUDENT ATHLETE turns to camera and laughs.

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STUDENT ATHLETE

I am [NAME OF SCHOOL]. I bleed [SCHOOL COLORS].

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STUDENT ATHLETE cradles trophy in his arms like a baby. He gently kisses the trophy on whatever he thinks its forehead might be.

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STUDENT ATHLETE pours a COKE ZERO, Official Sponsor of the NCAA, over his own head.

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STUDENT ATHLETE two-hand dunks a ball so hard that the rim snaps off in his hand. The glass in the backboard shatters and rains down onto the court. The entire hoop topples over and crashes into the lighting set up, starting a small electrical fire. A MAN is trapped under the weight of the hoop. Chaos breaks loose. STUDENT ATHLETE turns to camera and smiles.

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Lit only by the still raging electrical fire, SIX WOMEN stand against a gymnasium wall, each with a basketball balanced atop their heads. A blindfolded STUDENT ATHLETE raises a revolver and fires six shots, hitting all six balls. STUDENT ATHLETE raises his blindfold, turns to camera, and smiles. SIX WOMEN crumple to the floor and sob with relief.

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STUDENT ATHLETE, stone faced, unblinking, points a revolver to camera.

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STUDENT ATHLETE and TRAINED SEAL WEARING A BASKETBALL JERSEY both balance a herring on their noses. STUDENT ATHLETE slips and loses his fish. TRAINED SEAL WEARING A BASKETBALL JERSEY flips his fish into the air and catches it in his mouth.

STUDENT ATHLETE

Get this guy a scholarship!

STUDENT ATHLETE and TRAINED SEAL WEARING A BASKETBALL JERSEY turn to camera and laugh.

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STUDENT ATHLETE

I am [NAME OF SCHOOL].

STUDENT ATHLETE picks a shard of glass from the backboard up off of the court and plunges it into arm.

STUDENT ATHLETE CONT.

I bleed [SCHOOL COLORS].

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STUDENT ATHLETE tries to comfort the trophy cradled in his arms while MAN TRAPPED BENEATH BASKETBALL HOOP's screams of pain echo off the gym walls. STUDENT ATHLETE lifts his jersey in an attempt to breastfeed the trophy. The trophy takes.

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A giant bottle of COKE ZERO, Official Sponsor of the NCAA, cradles STUDENT ATHLETE in its arms. COKE ZERO offers STUDENT ATHLETE its teat. STUDENT ATHLETE takes.

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A team of EMTS attend to MAN TRAPPED BENEATH BASKETBALL HOOP while FIREMEN attempt to use the Jaws of Life to free him from his prison of mangled steel. STUDENT ATHLETE tosses the rescuers aside like rag dolls. He lifts the hoop off the man, sets the man's broken bones, and presses so hard on the man's wounds with his bare hands that the man's flesh becomes whole again. STUDENT ATHLETE raises his head and screams at the heavens, as if issuing a wordless challenge to God Himself, then turns to camera and smiles.

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STUDENT ATHLETE sits at a round table with SIX WOMEN. He places a single round into his revolver, spins the chamber, and hands the gun to the WOMAN on his left. WOMAN raises the gun to her head, and pulls the trigger. Click. STUDENT ATHLETE turns to camera and smiles. SIX WOMEN crumple to the floor, sobbing with relief.

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STUDENT ATHLETE stands against a wall, balancing a herring on his head. A blindfolded TRAINED SEAL WEARING A BASKETBALL JERSEY holds a revolver between its flippers. SEAL fires, hitting STUDENT ATHLETE in the stomach. SEAL turns to camera and laughs.

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STUDENT ATHLETE is in a Mexican Standoff with OPPOSING TEAM'S MASCOT and a giant bottle of COKE ZERO, Official Sponsor of the NCAA.

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STUDENT ATHLETE

I am COKE ZERO, OFFICIAL SPONSOR OF THE NCAA.

STUDENT ATHLETE plunges an open bottle of Coke Zero, Official Sponsor of the NCAA, into the gunshot wound in his stomach.

STUDENT ATHLETE CONT.

I bleed COKE ZERO, OFFICIAL SPONSOR OF THE NCAA.