The thick of fall is the best time to gorge yourself on one of our favorite gourds: the Butternut Squash!

We here at Janice thinks that Butternut Squash is delicious almost anyway you slice it, but here are the five Butternut Squash recipes that Butternut Squash is hoping that you’ll stay away from this year because Butternut Squash has kind of a big head and “doesn’t want a bunch of know-nothing home cooks making it taste like shit.”

Curried Butternut Squash Soup

First of all, Butternut Squash doesn’t have a problem with curry. Butternut Squash doesn’t like this recipe because it’s a soup. A lot of people say that the texture of Butternut Squash is a bit too “fibrous” for their liking and that a soup is a great way to enjoy that classic autumnal flavor without that stringy, starchy mouthfeel, to which Butternut Squash will often sarcastically respond “Oh! I’m sorry! I didn’t know dat widdle baby wanted his widdle baby food nice and soft! Wet me know when widdle baby wants to sit at the big boy table and chew his food wike a grown up!”

Roasted Butternut Squash Salad

Butternut Squash thinks that a cold salad just doesn’t play to its strengths. Butternut Squash is big enough that it doesn’t have a problem saying that it tastes kinda slimy and weirdly sweet when it goes cold. Some long-time squash lovers will say that a cup of roasted squash can turn a flimsy bowl of greens into a satisfying meal, but Butternut Squash doesn’t need smoke blown up its ass. It needs people falling in love with a Butternut Squash at its best.

Butternut Mash with Candied Pecans

If your sweet tooth is starting to ache, Butternut Squash would rather you just go out and buy a fucking Snickers bar instead of putting Butternut Squash through this shit. Butternut Squash knows that the only reason anyone is thinking about making this dish is because they’re too afraid of what it would say about them if they just said “fuck it” and ate cake for dinner. Don’t drag Butternut Squash into this botched pie filling and try to call it health food. You poured half a bottle of maple syrup in there. Butternut Squash wishes you would just get real.

Tomato and Vegetable White Bean Stew

There’s hearty chunks of Butternut Squash in this soup, but you wouldn’t know it from the name of the recipe. Butternut Squash doesn’t appreciate being lumped in with the assorted “vegetables.” Butternut Squash isn’t trying to “blend” or “balance” its flavor with some lame-ass mushroom. Butternut Squash doesn’t play team ball. Butternut Squash wants the rock. Butternut Squash needs touches. And if the stew still sucks, then you can put it on Butternut Squash. Butternut Squash can live with that.

Pretending The Squash Is Your Big, Hard Dick

Butternut Squash wishes that you would just grow the fuck up. Butternut Squash wants to know if you think you’re really the first comedic genius to ever come up with that absolutely hilarious gag. Butternut Squash knows that it looks like a penis. Butternut Squash wants to know if you know that you look like a dick whenever you rub perfectly good food all over your filthy crotch. By the way, Butternut Squash bets that your girlfriend wishes that you really had a Butternut Squash for a cock. At least, that’s what she was screaming when Butternut Squash was fucking her brains out last night.