by Janine Annett

Me: Hey, congratulations on your engagement!  Of course, It’s equally valid to be single, partnered but not married, married, whatever! Hey, your fiance, is he - oh, I didn’t mean to be heteronormative and assume your fiance is a man. Is it a man? OK. I just didn’t want to assume. You know what they say about assuming! Making an ass of U and ME, you know? Anyway, yeah, congratulations. Do you have an engagement ring? It’s totally fine if you don’t have a ring, I didn’t mean to suggest you SHOULD. Oh, you do! It’s really nice. Is it conflict-free? Congratulations again!! 

Other Person:  Uh, ok, thanks. [Awkward Silence].

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Me: Oh, your hair looks nice. Did you - never mind. No, it’s just that the conventional wisdom is never to ask someone ‘Did you dye your hair?’ because that’s considered rude, you know? But your hair is lavender, so I mean, obviously you did dye it. It looks great! I’m not saying a woman needs to color her hair to look nice, or that we should all abide by the old rule that it’s ‘rude’ to ask if someone dyed her hair, because of assumptions about aging and grey hair. Your hair just looks good. 

Other Person:  Uh, ok, thanks. [Awkward Silence].

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Me: You look fantastic! Really… healthy. I’m not trying to say you look good because you lost weight. I totally support beauty at all sizes. I don’t want to suggest you look better now because you’re thinner. I just mean you look happy and healthy, like you have a nice glow about you and I just wanted to say you look nice, without sounding weird, but I think I’m sounding weird. I’m sorry. You look great. Not that I only value you for your looks. You are also really smart, and kind to others.

Other Person:  Uh, ok, thanks. [Awkward Silence].

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Me: Your hair looks nice today. You’re wearing it straight! Not that I’m implying straight hair is inherently better than curly hair. I like curly hair, too. And I think it’s ridiculous, and frankly racist, that straight hair is considered more ‘professional’ than curly hair, don’t you agree? I mean, your hair looks awesome when you wear it curly too. You just have nice hair, either way. 

Other Person:  Uh, ok, thanks. [Awkward Silence].

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Me:  You’re pregnant? Congratulations! Just to be clear, I’m not measuring your worth by whether or not you have kids. I think it’s completely fine to have zero kids, or one kid, or two kids, or a ton of kids! I am 100% pro choice! And that means supporting all of a woman’s reproductive choices. Sorry, I didn’t mean to give a lecture. I’m just happy for you. How are you feeling? I promise not to do that thing that people do where they talk about the horrors of childbirth, or the difficulty of being a working mother… that is, if you choose to be a working mother. It’s up to you whether or not to be a working mom or a stay at home mom… I have total respect for both decisions! 

Other Person:  Uh, ok, thanks. [Awkward Silence].

Janine Annett lives just outside of New York City with her husband, son, and very old cat. Her writing has recently appeared on Parent.Co, Robot Butt,  Neutrons/Protons, the Higgs Weldon, Below the Fold, Bullshit.Ist, BanterGirl, Sammiches & Psych Meds/MockMom, and the Akashic Books website. Janine also writes picture books. Follow her on Twitter (www.twitter.com/janineannett) or Facebook (www.facebook.com/janineannettauthor) or check out her website, www.janineannett.com.