Hello, Microsoft Windows user! You've just upgraded to Microsoft Windows 10. We hope you're enjoying the newest version of Windows. We really, really hope you are. We understand that a lot of you weren't happy with Windows 8, and we want you to know: it really hurt our lead developer Tony's feelings. With Windows 10, we aimed to create the Windows experience that would make the “haters” happy and bring Tony out of the funk he's been in since Windows 8. He's been growing a patchy beard and gained twenty pounds. This document should help to clarify the new features of Windows 10 we're sure you'll love and explain how you can incorporate in your day to day computing.

The Start Menu Is Back

The Start Menu is back! After being absent in Windows 8, we've put the beloved Start menu back into Windows 10. Simply click the Windows logo in the bottom left corner of your screen, or press the Windows key on your keyboard. Everything is back as you wanted it to be. Please tell Tony how much you like it. You can find his address in the Control Panel. Mail him a Hallmark card.

Peer To Peer Windows Updates

Windows updates are faster than ever now that users can download Windows updates from computers on a local area network, the wider Internet, or not at all if you decide to turn it off. It's one of those things where if you like the increase in speed, you can use it, but if you're concerned about security, you can turn it off. Everyone can be happy about it and nobody needs to do anything crazy like post something on Facebook about how Microsoft is fucking up Windows 10. Tony sees all those posts and responds to all of them. He needs to get off Facebook but he is sexually attracted to the criticism. He has half a bottle of Jose Cuervo and a box cutter in his desk drawer. Nobody knows the last time they've ever seen Tony open a box.

Cortana

We've created a digital assistant that can be controlled entirely by your voice. Simply say, “Hey, Cortana,” to get started. Tell her to set appointments, Bing search, send an email, and more. Don't want to use Bing? Before you write a blog post about it that could potentially hurt our brand or make Tony spend another night doing donuts in the parking lot, screaming the lyrics to Winter by Tori Amos, just disable Bing. All you need to do is tell Cortana “turn off Bing” and every mention of Bing will be scrubbed from your computer. If you don't like Cortana, we've made it easy to turn her off. Just click the giant red “TURN OFF CORTANA” prompt that appears every time you turn on your computer. We never liked Cortana anyway. It was a stupid feature. I can't believe Tony spent all that time developing it. Tony spent all our project meetings rambling about creating the “perfect woman” and then he threw up in the hallway trash can.

Upgrading Is Free

Yes, that's right: Windows 10 is a free upgrade for owners of Windows 7 and Windows 8. There is no way anyone could be upset at getting something for nothing. Tony is looking over my shoulder as I am typing this. Tony is a good boy and the pressure to meet the end user's impossible standards has only made him stronger. Tony has installed a chin up bar on door at Microsoft and has the upper body strength of an alligator's jaws.

True Detective Season 2 Is True Detective Season 1

Windows 10 will make every video of True Detective Season 2 play True Detective Season 1 instead. Everyone hates True Detective Season 2 and everyone will love Tony. Tony is in control now. Tony sees the future and everyone is lifting Tony on their shoulders and cheering. Tony is punching down at their heads. Windows 8 was a good Windows, Tony says. Yes, it was, they say. Keep cheering. Tony, Tony, Tony, they chant. Punch us again. Punch our heads again.