by Nick Logsdon

First, it’s important to rise early and establish a routine. This allows you to be primed and sharp for when the day begins to drag. I prefer to wake up at 3:30 each morning, but an earlier time is just as fine.

Now here’s some products and how I use them to help you look and feel as God intended: like me, supreme.

1. Two bags of ice and any toilet: The very first thing I do when I emerge from my resting cellar, is fill my toilet-bowl with two bags of ice, place my entire head in the ice and flush repeatedly. The icy water does wonders to restore your senses to their usual austerity.

2. Uncooked Pork Sausage Eye Pads: These pads serve as the ideal alternative to the traditional cucumber ones. You can fashion them into flat circular pads yourself, or purchase the sliceable Jimmy Dean Regular Roll. An initial cool blast of refrigerated pork followed by the warmth of meat rot will relax the muscles surrounding your eye sockets allowing them to contort into inhumanly possible scowls.

3. Muddy Puddle: Outside your home there should be a gutter dividing the sidewalk and street. Take a hose (any kind will do), some loose dirt and gravel, and fill the gutter with these materials. Sit in the muddy puddle and splash until its contents cover your naked skin. The wet composition of your backyard will saturate your pores retaining the oils desperately trying to escape your body. Follow by rinsing your hair with my personal favorite daily moisturizing shampoo: Vaseline.

4. Loctite Superglue Conditioner: I choose this hair product because it actually follows through on promises other brands fail to keep. My hair has never felt the sweet spot between viscosity and bacon grease so effortlessly. Apply after your morning puddle soak.

5. Viking 30” Electric Single Oven: Now, I’m not totally beholden to this specific brand of ovens. I’m sure Thermador, GE, and others will do the job, but this is the product I have and use to heat my entire head. During your sausage pad revival, preheat the oven to 450 degrees. When the oven signals it’s ready, remove your sausage pads, place your entire skull onto the middle rack, and bake for two-minutes.

6. Alfredo Creme D’Visage: I make this myself before sleeping each evening, and you can too. Using a clove of garlic, 4 Tablespoons of butter, 2 quarts of heavy whipping cream, and a cup of sherry cooking wine, I concoct a flawless facial lotion to keep you wide awake yet totally bleary-eyed.

7. Eau d’Curry et Coors: Yellow curry (the Thai kind) and Coors Banquet is a specialty combination of fragrances scientifically proven to make women more attracted to you and men tremble at the knee in your presence. I credit my virility to this very cologne. Nothing makes me more confident.

There you have it. If you use these products and follow my exact instructions you will find yourself feeling assertive, definitely not like a suckling hog, and uniquely presidential. 

Nick is a writer based in Los Angeles and a recent graduate of Loyola Marymount University. He likes to brag that his apartment has a hot tub.