by Jon Plester

On our expedition, we traversed mountains taller than skyscrapers and made our way through the thickest and most dangerous jungles. Despite a number of setbacks, we stayed true to the mission we set out to accomplish – to uncover the fossil of a dinosaur unparalleled in its rarity. To my dismay, I lost seventeen men on this mission. Yet, despite this, we were successful in retrieving this extremely rare dinosaur and are now able to display in this museum for middle schoolers like yourselves to study. So please, I beg of you, stop asking me questions about dinosaur boners.

I don’t think it is very funny, I promise you. Nor do I believe you understand the gravity of my accomplishments. The study of this dinosaur can change the scientific landscape as a whole. I also don’t believe you understand the privilege you have in being able to even observe the skeletal structure of such a creature. It is not every day that a seventh grade class from William Howard Taft Middle School is able to lay their eyes on the remains of a creature that existed millions upon millions of years ago.

Even the study of how it procreated is extremely important to the future of science, which as you may ascertain involves the study of the dinosaur’s erection. Yes, I said erection! Please settle down! This is very serious science! Seventeen men were maimed, slain, all killed in various but equally horrible manners to bring this artifact to the scientific community. And all you children can do is snicker at the thought of how massive this dinosaur’s erection would be? Scientifically, yes I can confirm his erect penis would be the length of my arm and embody the girth of my thigh.

No! No, my men were not crushed under the weight of the dinosaur’s penis! That is an insult to all the hard work and sacrifices those men made to the study of paleontology. Those men all had families and most of them had children. These children are possibly the same age as you, and they have lost their fathers to the greater good of science. Such noble children they are, accepting and understanding the sacrifice they have made.

It seems to be your own issue if you vehemently desire your own father to be crushed under the weight of a dinosaur boner. An issue that is completely unrelated to the presentation that I am giving today. I ask all of you to please allow yourselves to be emerged in the wonderful world of science and disassociate from the terrible relationships you may have with your fathers as we move forward today. Furthermore, I will discuss the dinosaur’s eating habits.

No! The dinosaurs did not “eat that puss”! Stop high-fiving that boy, he does not deserve a high-five! You should be high-fiving me for my scientific accomplishments!

Jon Plester is a writer, improviser, filmmaker, and all-around bad boy from Philadelphia.