by Jon Wolper

WHEREAS the City of Flockton and the City Council recognize the importance of traffic lights, which direct the flow of vehicles throughout our city, and

 

 

WHEREAS the Council understands that one Flockton citizen has expressed concern with current traffic lights, which utilize red (stop), yellow (slow down), and green (go), colors deemed “problematic” by Pine Street resident Jerry Rivens, and

 

 

WHEREAS Mr. Rivens has fought tirelessly to create a traffic light that is “progressive,” “inclusive,” and “better attuned to our collective self-worth,” and

 

 

WHEREAS Mr. Rivens has created a chart mapping out the usefulness of 13 new colors, creating a plan for a gridded, dynamic four-by-four light he says softens the “tyrannical” nature of a three-color system, and

 

 

WHEREAS the colors he desires to add to the traffic lights are blue, orange, purple, pink, light pink, dark pink, tickle-me-forest-green, blue, dark brown, slightly darker brown, apricot, grayscale, and mauve, and

 

 

WHEREAS the purpose of the traditional colors will change: Red will represent “Remove negativity from your core self before accelerating”; yellow will represent “look both ways before crossing the street, emotionally”; and green will represent “when you finish driving your car, you should consider gardening, as it’s an immensely fulfilling activity, but if you don’t like to garden, that’s fine too, as it’s your life and you’re free to live it however you’d like,” and

 

 

WHEREAS the other 13 colors will not act alone; instead, in the “spirit of togetherness,” as Mr. Rivens puts it, the colors will exchange places within the four-by-four “lightgrid,” mixing like paints on a palette, changing based on the temperature, weather, and harvest season, with the goal of creating “ante-moods” in drivers, whose emotions will then undergo “post-calming,” becoming better suited to driving in a busy, traffic-heavy city, and

 

 

WHEREAS a police unit will be created by this Council to direct traffic, and

 

 

WHEREAS the LED display for stop-walk pedestrian signs will be removed, replaced by a pulsing tie-dye pattern and the faraway sound of a Native American flute, and

 

 

WHEREAS Mr. Rivens has insisted that no whale oil is used in this process, and

 

 

WHEREAS Mr. Rivens has insisted that the new traffic lights are not tested on animals, and

 

 

WHEREAS Mr. Rivens has agreed to donate 30 percent of his late father’s savings to Friends of Flockton for “general use,” according to Mr. Rivens, as long as such use does not include “additional traffic light alterations,” and

 

 

WHEREAS that donation will equal seventy-three million dollars ($73,000,000). Now, therefore,

 

 

BE IT ORDAINED by the City of Flockton City Council:

 

 

Section 1. All one-hundred-and-fifty-eight (158) traffic lights that currently hang will be let down and “tastefully given their last rites,” according to Mr. Rivens, on March 9, 2016.

 

 

a) “Last rites” in this case will be conducted by the Greater Flockton Community Landfill, in a process exhaustively dictated in Appendix C of this Resolution.

 

 

b) “Last rites” will be overseen by Mr. Rivens, who will deduct three-hundred-thousand dollars ($300,000) from his donation every time he perceives a general uptick in negative energy among either city-contracted workers or the traffic lights themselves.

 

 

Section 2. All new lights will be operational by 5 a.m. on March 24. All will be installed under the restorative effects of aromatherapy.

 

 

Section 3. The Council will provide the Police Department the resources and funds to hire 59 new police officers.

 

 

Section 4. This section is dedicated to the memory of the elder Mr. Rivens, a wonderful, philanthropic man who did wonders for the City of Flockton, and whose will stipulated the Council “hear out [his] son once in a while, because he’s a good kid, when you get down to it.”

 

 

This ordinance is duly passed by the City Council of the City of Flockton, Ohio on February 21, 2016.

Jon Wolper is a writer based in Washington, D.C. His work has appeared in websites like McSweeney's and Splitsider. He tweets infrequently.