by Sarah Aswell

Green Box

The Green Box team always has Mother Earth in mind when carefully designing its sustainable, environmentally-friendly, and biodegradable boxes, from the cardboard made of recycled paper fiber to the plastic-free packing tape that sometimes works. To reduce each box’s carbon footprint, the packages are hand-delivered by an impressive network of nice ladies who were headed that way anyhow. The contents of Green Box vary greatly from month to month, from GMO-free banana and potato peels to organic eggshells and tea bags. Green Boxes may be placed in your compost bin without even opening them. Once a year, subscribers will receive a Green Box filled with old, partially rotted Green Boxes.

Sad Puppy

Have you always wanted a puppy or kitten, but you don’t want to deal with large, boring adult pets? The team at Sad Puppy has the subscription box of your dreams. Each month, receive a terminally ill puppy or kitten that will surely die before your next box arrives four weeks later. Enjoy delicate runts and peaked pipsqueaks, knowing that you are helping each animal live its short life to the fullest – and that your delivery box converts into an adorable coffin. All pets come with a cute, teeny-tiny milk bottle and heartbreaking story. Puppies and kittens that die en route can be shipped back for free and probably go to heaven. Five-year subscribers receive an authentic patchwork fur coat.

Make-Off Box

Oh my god, your face looks terrible. Have you been buying makeup subscription boxes and then desperately trying to use up all of your weird samples, all at once? Is that mauve eyeliner or an unfortunate health condition? Would you have ever put that on your face if you didn’t receive it in a cute box? Now look at the mess you’re in. But don’t worry. At Make-Off, we deliver an array of makeup removers that can erase even the strangest makeup subscription box samples, from blue lipstick to faux-velvet nail polish. Each month, sigh with relief as you look through your new collection of makeup-removing liquids, oils, and wipes – they work so well that people will stop, tell you how great you look, and ask if you’ve finally cancelled your makeup subscription box. 

Box of Cursed Relics

Forget about digging around for undiscovered ancient burial sites, breaking into museums, or endlessly browsing your local secondhand stores, all in an attempt to find just the right cursed relic. We do all of the legwork for you – leaving you to simply bolt back in horror as you discover what has been wrought upon you this month. Hexed statues of elephants from the deepest of jungles, a haunted map that leads only to misfortune, a precious porcelain baby doll whose cries only you can hear, for all of eternity: packaged lovingly and brought directly to your door (after a series of incidents, we now require customers to sign for each Box of Cursed Relics upon delivery). No need to beg God above or entreat the demons below for mercy – you may cancel your subscription or meet your demise at any time.  

Pinecones! 

So many pinecones! You won’t even believe it. You’ll open up the box and say, look at all these pinecones! Big pinecones. Small pinecones. Pinecones that have been gnawed on by small woodland creatures who were frightened away by the approaching thump of our children’s thrift store boots. Pinecones of all varieties that are available in the vicinity of our yard, which honestly are mostly those sticky ones that smell like old tennis balls. We ship you so many pinecones that you may eventually run out of uses for them. We ship you so many pinecones that some months we can’t get the box to close all the way. So what? We tape that mother closed and mail it off. Enjoy your pinecones!

Sarah Aswell is a freelance writer who lives in Missoula, Montana, with her husband and two daughters. Her humor writing has appeared in McSweeney’s and Reductress. One last thing: you can follow her on Twitter at @sarahaswell.