Oh, why that there's... Bonald Buttering
His family made their fortune off of… strongly encouraging big, fast horses to fuck one another and then selling off the little horse babies.
He's got more money than… fleas on a hound dog.
And with money like that… you could wear one dress at breakfast, buy a new one at lunch, wear it at dinner and use your breakfast dress as a napkin.
Sure, he may... have gotten so gin-drunk at the last derby that he insisted on racing the winning horse so that he could "wipe that smug look off it's face..."
But look on the bright side... he did the beat the horse. He was a real asshole about it, but he did beat it. Fair and square.

Oh, why that there's... Ghett Hampton Scunk
His family made their fortune off of... oil spills. No, not “oil.” Oil spills. Don’t ask me how it works. It’s not polite.
He's got more money than... fruit flies in a watermelon dump.
And with money like that… you could finally bury your daddy good and deep.
Sure, he may... have the face of the pig and the body of a pig and the reputation of being a pig dressed up like a man...
But look on the bright side... no one's going to say anything about it now. That ship sailed long ago.

Oh, why that there's... Venteen Milkes
His family made their fortune off of… a successful line of gourmet ketchups and relishes.
He's got more money than… drunks at a Catholic picnic.
And with money like that… you’ll be eating filet mignon for dinner every night. No sides or salads or nothing. Just meat.
Sure, he may... wander off into the bayou for two week stretches here and there and come back with no recollection of where he's been, what he did, or who he is...
But look on the bright side... y'all get to fall in love all over again!

Oh, why that there's... “Big” Gorges Flank
His family made their fortune off of... I’m not going to sugarcoat it… it’s slaves.
He's got more money than... sour notes at lemon's piano recital.
And with money like that... you can pay that big city exorcist to come down and shoo your daddy’s ghost out for good.
Sure, he may... be the country's foremost collector of children's shoes and hats...
But look on the bright side... at least he's got a hobby! Better he spend his days with his little shoes and hats than hover around you like a gnat.

Oh, why that there's... Marletons Fapp
His family made their forture off of... steel. What? Is that not "sexy" enough for you?
He's got more money than... tears at a dog funeral.
And with money like that... you can buy the big kind of pearls that men drown trying to dive for.
Sure, he may... have never taken off his gloves and has never let anyone see his hands...
But look on the bright side... maybe he's got nice, regular hands? Who knows? Why do people always assume if someone wears gloves all the time it has to be something bad?