Korzock, The Unholy Lizard God, created a bit of buzz in some Washington circles early in this election season when the reptile demon escaped his underworld prison and announced his intention to claim the American Presidency by cruel force. But what has really got voters’ ears perked now is Korzock’s open declaration that once he has stripped the flesh and skin from the bones of his challengers and sailed into the White House on a river of their blood, he will abolish our beloved system of American democracy and submit this country to the merciless rule of his secret race of lizard men.

For a nation that likes to boast that its “government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth,” the idea of being enslaved by a scaly, cold-blooded Hell spawn and his serpentine army of the damned can be a big pill to swallow. And Korzock’s campaign promise to tear the Constitution to shreds with his own blood-stained claws is hitting a sour note with almost every demographic.

Korzock’s certainly turning a lot of heads, but for all of the wrong reasons.

However, if you look away from the poll numbers for a moment and take in Korzock’s twelve foot tall body covered in scales of Hell silver, the soulless void of his eyes, his rows of sharp, yellowed teeth, the mighty scythe he carries at his side, and the unspeakable human carnage that lies his wake as he carves his way back and forth across this great country, you’ll start to see that Korzock is right: America is ripe for the picking and soon a secret race of lizard men will rule this land with Korzock as their king.

Korzock is The Swallower of Light, The Bearer of Misery, The Destroyer of Wills, and The Reaper of Souls. He disemboweled three hellbeasts during his journey to the land of the living, including the Hell Pig, the Hell Bear, and the Hell Ape. He and his army will imprison every citizen in this country in one of their “Blood Farms” and feast upon the vital fluid of man until they are strong enough to return to the underworld to dethrone Satan himself and claim Korzock’s rightful spot as the King of Hell. It’s an origin story and a platform that’s wildly unpopular with Americans, but the details seem to lend an air of inevitability to his presidency that would make even Mrs. Clinton green with envy.

It’s often said that cynicism is the biggest problem in the American Political system, but sometimes you just can’t combat a candidate's “intangibles,” like Korzock’s ability to command a pack of Hell Snakes to hunt the eyeballs of every registered voter in a county. In those rare instances, there is no shame in throwing in the towel, strapping on your feed tube, and reporting to the “Bleed Grate.”