As a Duke freshman, I knew my decision to refuse to read the LGBT graphic novel "Fun Home" would be controversial. I also knew my next decision, to drop out and become a freshman at the University of North Carolina, would be even more controversial. How could these choices not stir the pot at Duke, a school that totally and completely sucks? Nevertheless, I feel compelled to defend my choices, as some dummies at Duke haven't gotten the memo that in the third hottest sports rivalry, as rated by Sports Illustrated, they're number two. Because they are shit.

It's not that I oppose LGBT content. Far from it. Some of my favorite authors, poets, painters, and songwriters are LGBT. And all of them are Carolina Tar Heels for life. When I read Fun Home at Carolina, I found it thought provoking, evocative, and well-written. At Duke, it was full of content I found objectionable: women masturbating, women engaging in oral sex, Michael Jordan getting dunked on. When I read Fun Home at Duke, it just felt like it was trying too hard and thought just because it won in March Madness this year it meant that suddenly historically Duke was better than Carolina. Once I put a bunch of UNC logo stickers on the dust jacket and got that Blue Devil stink off, Fun House was a million times better.

I'm not the only person with a problem reading Fun Home at Duke. Check your book: Matthew 3:19 states that a woman shall only dine with another woman at Lenoir Dining Hall unless it's late night, and then we're heading to Time Out or BSkis. Proverbs 11:9 says only those pure of heart shall be allowed to enter the Dean Dome. Leviticus 7:4 doesn't outright say it, but certainly implies that there are thousands of unsolved murder victims buried in Duke Forrest. That's right, God is on my side. There's a reason the sky is Carolina Blue, baby.

When I posted my beliefs in The Chronicle, Duke's shitty student newspaper, I was called many hateful things; “bigot,” “homophobe, “Duke freshman.” But I was moved to tears with the outpouring of support I received from The Daily Tar Heel. The Kvetching Board, a hilarious section normally devoted to gripes and groans about UNC campus, was transformed into the “Kvelling Board,” full of positive remarks about me and the occasional “Duke sucks.”

Let me finish with an anecdote. I recently received a message from a Duke student challenging my beliefs. Instead of coming at me with insults, she simply asked “why?” I calmly explained to her where I come from – buying macchiatos at Open Eye, jamming out to Superchunk at Cat's Cradle, and tagging into scenes with Chips, UNC's long form improv troupe. She, in turn, decided I was one hundred percent right. This is how diversity is supposed to work – the smarter, better person's opinion becomes the new normal.

I also masturbated inside the book and the used book store wouldn't take it back.