Hey! You’re single, right? Great! Because I want to set you up with one of my friends.

Oh! You know who would be perfect? Sara! Sara is great, ‘cause she’s, like, an adult, you know? Like, a real adult. She’s got a good job and her own place. And Sara’s got debt! Like, sooo much debt. She’s got credit card debt and a mortgage and student loans from her Master’s program. She isn’t going out and getting drunk every night like all these twenty-somethings that refuse to grow up. She’s got responsibilities. The kind of responsibilities that constantly cloud her mind with the distinct feeling that she is very slowly drowning.

You want someone a little friskier? OK, well this guy is a little young. Well, they’re a little young. “He” is actually a nine-year-old boy standing on his eleven-year-old brother’s shoulders under a big ol’ trench coat. But combined, they make up an 8’ 10” tall, twenty-year-old, four-handed, two-dicked, horny-as-hell pervert named “Dan.” Yummy, right?

If you want someone with a little more sophistication, there’s Zoe! Zoe’s family comes from money. For real, she’s rich. Like so rich, the money has to have come from a bad place. No one has an elevator in their garage because they founded “Tom’s Shoes.” Best case scenario, they're in the fracking business or pulled some Wall Street scam, but I honestly think it’s probably even worse than that because one time when I was sleeping over at her house I saw her dad light a cigar with a copy of “The 9/11 Commission Report.”

Someone a little less stuffy? Rob is so fun! He’s crazy. No, like actually crazy. He was pronounced legally insane by a court of law. I’m sorry. Temporarily legally insane. But I wouldn’t be so sure it was just a passing phase, if I were you. I mean, any guy that’s gonna hop the fence and make it that far into the White House before being taken down has gotta be a little crazy all the time, right? Maybe you’ll be lucky enough to find out… Rawrrrr!

Oh! Lisa! Lisa is funny! She’s so funny all the time! Everything is a joke to her, you know? Like, at her Mom’s wake, she did this thing where when she went up to the casket and put her hand on her mom’s hand like she was saying goodbye, but then she pretended like her mom wouldn’t let go and that got a real good laugh because it kind of broke the tension. Then she acted like her mom was pulling her into the casket and that got another big laugh! Then she got in the casket and closed the lid and did an impression of her mom screaming “Bury us! Bury us! Bury us!” It was funny! Most of it was so, so funny.

Taylor. is. HOT. Like, beautiful hot. Beautiful, angel face. Sculpted, angel body. Taylor is so hot that it will turn your life to Hell. Because wherever you go together, Taylor turns every head in the room. It’s a little thrill at first, but after a while you can’t shake the fact that they all want him and that they would do anything to be with him. Taylor could easily have his pick of the litter, but he says he only wants you. Why? Why would a man like that ever love a piece of shit like you? Maybe he could... if it were just the two of you. Maybe he could learn to love you if everyone wasn’t constantly trying to drive a wedge between you. You’re no fool. You know that they make fun of you to him behind your back at parties. While you’re off using the powder room, they make little jokes about how you’re ugly and slow. They laugh and take big sips of wine and try to act drunk so that they have an excuse to get close to him. But you and the Beretta in clutch are going to get the last laugh. After tonight, it’s gonna be just be you and Taylor. Just the two of you...

Maybe someone a little more low-key? Mark is chill. Like, so chill it’s sometimes hard to tell if he’s even awake. Like, this one weekend he came skiing with us and he didn’t even hit the slopes once. He was totally happy just hanging out at the cabin, lying draped over the kitchen counter with his head in the sink all week. It didn’t seem weird to us. We thought it was just “Chill Mark” being “Chill Mark,” but later the doctors told us that he had been in a coma the entire time. Good thing Jen didn’t make a move on him in the hot tub like I had been telling her to because that would have been a little ethically dicey.

I almost forgot Sam! What about Sam? Sam is a nice girl, you know? Like a girl next door. Like a nice, simple country girl. A nice, quiet girl who wears plain smocks and her hair in braids. A girl without too many desires in her heart or thoughts in her head. A girl who only needs a little fresh air, some room to run, good oats, clean water, and an apple now and then as a little treat. Sam is a girl like a horse. But Sam is not a horse. Sam is a girl. A nice girl.