by Dustin Mark

Any magazine can tell you how to spice up your sex life. You’ll find far fewer telling you how to add the spice safely, which, when you think about is more important than the spice itself. What good is an orgasm if it kills you? Take a moment to think about that.

This article will teach you how to properly choke your partner. Choking is confusingly both a form of assault and a simple way to enhance a sexual encounter. If you follow the steps in this article you’ll learn how to choke your partner without risking severe injuries or death, even if death is what your partner craves more than anything.

Erotic asphyxiation occurs by blocking the carotid arteries, in turn depriving the brain of oxygenated blood during sexual play. As the brain loses oxygen, the build-up of carbon dioxide can create feelings of euphoria and can heighten sexual stimulation exponentially; couples that engage in choke-play report heightened sensation in regions being penetrated, touched, or, in rare cases, looked at intensely. If your partner asks you to choke them you shouldn’t be bashful, as long as you know how to choke them safely and they know it is meant as a temporary high, not a permanent way out.

It can be tempting to just grab the neck and squeeze, but if you’re reckless you’ll end up making the move more dangerous than pleasurable. Avoid squeezing the windpipe – by obstructing the trachea you will increase the speed and likelihood of the receiver passing out. If your partner begs you to do so, remember: squeezing the windpipe is never a good idea. The pleasure this creates will be minimal compared to safer applications. Tell them this. If they still beg you to squeeze their windpipe you should consider putting the sex aside and having a serious conversation about who you are, what you want, and why now is not the time to give up.

It’s easy to get lost in lovemaking and, with many often conflicting and confusing sounds and motions, it can be difficult to tell when to stop. Do your best to read your partner. If they are enjoying the stimulus, continue; if they are not or seem to be in more pain than pleasure, stop; if they revel in how close you’re bringing them to death, stop immediately.  Here are some other indicators to look for that will let you know it’s time to ease up.

If the life in their eyes starts to fade. Most people don’t know what this looks like from experience, but trust me, you’ll know. When one’s soul begins its escape you’ll see it in the eyes and you should choke no further. If you’re choking from behind, make sure there is a mirror around to keep track of your partner’s eyes.

If they prepare you with specific instructions. You might be dealing with a clever partner who knows how to fool you. Be aware that you might have been tapped ahead of time for this job, so if their directions to you include not questioning them, not stopping no matter what, or embracing your inner savage, don’t be afraid to be suspicious. You might also hear preemptive preparations like, “If I stop moving it’s because I’m in such intense pleasure that my locomotive functions cease, but please don’t release your grip.” That’s not how that works, so please release your grip.

If they use the phrase “If you loved me…” Don’t let your partner guilt you into killing them by misconstruing the love you share. This is a rhetorical fallacy that you should be ready to address. Have a response ready, like, “Honey, I do love you, but I’m not going to kill you,” or, “If you loved me you would ask this of me.” These replies are likely to kill the sexual momentum, which might be a momentary drag, but this is the correct choice 100 percent of the time.

If they drop names of deceased relatives or friends. This person has one goal in mind and it doesn’t involve either one of you climaxing. Yours doesn’t have to be the only name you hear in bed, but names of the living are a must. Be sure to listen to all of what they say and not just what you want to hear. You don’t want to hear “I’m cumming” when what they’re really saying is “I’m coming for you, Mom.”

If they tell you they’re not strong enough to do it on their own. Again, don’t allow yourself to be pushed around in this situation. Suicide is personal and you probably deserve better than being used as a tool in someone else’s attempt. If you went around killing everyone who isn’t strong enough to do it on their own you would find yourself in a lot of trouble, and there would be no one left in your writers’ group.

Sometimes it’s all a little more complicated. Maybe you’re deeply in love and your partner has good reason to die. Maybe you do actually want them dead. Maybe you’re so devoted to your lover that you’ve vowed never to deny them what they want. That’s all very sweet, but ultimately no one will believe you when you say it was your lover’s wish that you choke him or her to death. Even a hand-written note is unlikely to hold up in court. It’s murder, and you’re dumb to think otherwise.

Safety can seem nebulous, but it’s not. An orgasm is only worth so much, and never should you think it’s OK to actually fuck someone to death. Remember that one person’s idea of a good time could be another’s carefully planned end.

Dustin Mark is a comedy writer and performer based in New York. He has little to say. www.dustinmark.com