by Kerry Elson

Dear Friend,

Greetings from the Development Office of Your Local Arts Organization!

It looks like your membership in our discount-ticket program for people younger than 35, OMGCoolTix, is about to expire. Happy 35th birthday from all of us on the Development Team! As your special day approaches, it’s time to upgrade to our membership program for people 35 and older, FullyRipeNReady4PickinTix.

OMGCoolTix was fun, right? While the rest of the folks in the audience paid $70 or more to see our shows, we only charged you half-price because we knew you would bring youthful zest and pizzazz to our organization. We know kids like you roll up to shows on your skateboards, wearing leather jackets with patches and wiping Cheeto dust from your chin as you say, “Hey, man – where’s Will Call? Gotta get my tix!” We love that energy!

We offered you special perks, like free Mountain Dew at intermission and invitations to KoolKultureKlub, a happy hour event with cornhole, Jenga, prizes, and a snake! In exchange for discounts, drinks, and fun, we hoped you’d promote us on your social media boards and Snapchats so your buds might pop in for our latest production of Arsenic and Old Lace or The Mystery of Edwin Drood.

But now you’re turning 35. You’re never more alive and dramatic changes are happening as we speak! That denim jacket is shedding its patches and transforming into one sharp, slim-fitting pantsuit. That skateboard? It’s turbocharged into a fully loaded commuter bike complete with clips for your pants so they don’t get jammed in the gears. Those Cheetos are becoming mean ‘n’ cheesy chickpea puffs ‘cause you’re trying to bump up your fiber intake and feel less bloated these days. And that bank account? Well, let’s just say you chuckle modestly when you check that balance. All your hard work over the last decade is finally paying off, big time.

Now you’re ripe ‘n’ ready to pay full price for a ticket to our shows! As a member of FullyRipeNReady4PickinTix, you’ll get special privileges, like a cool, refreshing apple-cider vinegar tonic at intermission ‘cause we hear sometimes you’ve got toxins that need to be flushed. We’ll invite you to MatureTimePlus, a happy hour event with wine tastings, tango dancing, and lamb chops! In exchange for these perks, we hope you’ll keep coming back each year to see performances of such leading-edge shows as Seussical and Mamma Mia!

Stick with us and soon you’ll be eligible for our other membership programs! When you’re turning 65, we’ll invite you to join GettinALittleMushyTix, which comes with complimentary green tea at the bar because we know you’ll like antioxidants. As your 85th birthday approaches, we’ll invite you to our final membership tier, DecomposinTix. If you sign up for this program, an usher will escort you to your seat in a golf cart -- because you’ve earned it!

Your patronage means a lot to us and we look forward to seeing you soon!

Sincerely,

The Development Team

Kerry Elson is a teacher and writer in New York City. She also has contributed to The Belladonna.