Why doesn’t everybody bring their guns over to my place on Saturday? We’ll all get our ya-yas out for a couple hours and then we’ll throw all of our guns in this big hole I just dug in my backyard? 

What do you guys say? Take our guns for one last spin and then let ‘em turn to rust? I’m gonna pick up a bunch of cool stuff for us to shoot. I’ve got a bunch of bottles and cans that we can line up and I was thinking about getting some plates for us to throw up in the air and shoot, too. I bet that if we get some blastin’ out of our system, it’ll make it a little easier when it comes time lay our weapons down deep in the soil by my deck.

I’ll get a bunch of food to shoot, too. This actually a kind of perfect time of year to do the whole “beat your swords into plowshares” thing because we’re just starting to hit pumpkin season, but we can probably still get our lands on some watermelons too and both of those will be really fun to shoot. 

If everybody wants to chip in a little bit, I’ll find us a mannequin and dress him up in a burglar mask and put a little dollar sign bag sign bag in his hand and we can all have a go at him. Don’t make fun, but I’ve always had this little fantasy where I’d use my gun to stop a bank robbery. There’s been a bunch of bank robberies since I got a gun, but it’s just my luck that I haven’t been at a single one of ‘em and I just wanna scratch that “good guy” itch before I give the ol’ widowmaker the heave-ho.

I got my dad’s old ‘82 BMW E30 sitting out in the yard too. I’ve always said that I was gonna get it fixed up, but if that was gonna happen it would have happened by now, so we might as well shoot the crap out of that too. I figure we should just go all out before we decide that being able to get together and goof off with our guns like this every once in awhile isn’t really worth it anymore.

Hell, we can even use our guns to shoot other guns. That’s kinda cool. You wouldn’t want to do that normally because you’d probably mess up your gun, but we’re gonna throw them all in a ditch when we’re done, so what does it matter, right? Plus, it’s kinda weird and metta to use a gun to shoot a gun. That’ll be a trip.

And if you have anything that you’ve had your eye on shooting, like a lamp (maybe we can run a chord back to the house?) or one of those big Poland Spring water jugs, totally bring it. We’ve kinda been running on borrowed time for a while here, so I’m thinking of this as a “Last Chance Dance” with our personal firearms. Personally, I’ve always wanted to see what happens when you shoot a baseball, so I’m gonna snag a bunch of those. You guys can absolutely shoot some of my baseballs. Like I said, I’m snagging a bunch.

As long as everyone stays cool and keeps the noise down, I figure we’ll just spend the afternoon kinda doing whatever we want with our guns, then we’ll bury our sin, then we’ll grill out. You wanna fire a bunch of rounds off quick as you can straight into a tree? Go for it. You wanna see if you and your buddy can make your bullets collide in mid-air? Now’s the time. You wanna try and throw a bullet? Whatever is gonna get the poison out, brother.

I was thinking that when we’ve all had our fill of shooting, we’ll grab a beer and walk around and check out how fucked up everything got and feel that weird little head buzz that comes when a human sees him or herself as a God-like destroyer of things one last time. And after that, we’ll chuck all the guns we brought in the hole and just try and forget about ‘em. Maybe we’ll watch a movie? Or you guys ever play “Celebrity?” That game is fun! Oh, you guys are gonna get addicted. Nevermind about the movie. We’re definitely going to play “Celebrity.” But I’ll warn you know: I kick ass at “Celebrity.”

I know this isn’t a perfect plan. To be honest, it just popped into my head this morning and before I knew it, I was standing knee deep in dirt with a shovel in my hands. Throwing all of our guns in a hole isn’t a terribly nuanced approach to the problem of gun violence in this country and plus it’s kinda rude to invite people to a party the day before. But if you can only stop by for a second, that’s totally cool. We probably won’t be covering up the hole until it gets dark. And feel free to bring whoever! We’ve got plenty of stuff to shoot and the gun hole is pretty big. Just try and give me a headcount by tonight so I can buy enough hot dogs.