by Kate Villa

CLAIRE: “Hello, this is Claire.”

 

ET: “Claire? Is ET. From high school. We go to prom together senior time.”

 

CLAIRE: “OhMyGod. ET? Is it really you? I can’t believe this. How long has it been?”

 

ET: “12 human year. 40,000 year for ET. Feel like a million.”

 

CLAIRE: “Why didn’t you come to the reunion 2 years ago? I looked for you. I was hoping I might see you again…”

 

ET: “This ET first trip to earth since high school. Is long way just to come for reunion. Is 40 million km to travel thru space time black hole and star must spontaneous combust for ET to make into this universe. Also ET have work that weekend.”

 

CLAIRE: “I know it’s a long trip but I would have loved to see you. Our special prom night together is still the most romantic night of my life. We were so young then.”

 

ET: “Jesus, Claire. Lay. Off. ET not call to relive puberty. Is full of slime. ET never want to be reminded about mathlete years. Dark. Math only good on earth. Outer solar systems no use metric system.”

 

CLAIRE: “No no, I’m so sorry. Look, it’s really great to talk to you, ET.”

 

ET: “ET like phone Claire too. ET never forget how hot Claire look in dad ford pickup.”

 

CLAIRE: “I’ve thought about you for so long and I’ve always hoped you would call. I guess I gave up. I’m married now.”

 

ET: “Claire marry? But Why? He knock Claire up. ET know.”

 

CLAIRE: “No, and please don't be bitter - I actually married Jeffrey. From the swimteam? Do you remember him? We re-met as adults at the reunion. And… well, now we live in Plainsville. It’s actually so romantic.”

 

ET: “ET have hot girlfriend too. She literally gaseous star. She on fire all time.”

 

CLAIRE: “Look, I’m not trying to make you feel bad, ET! You’re still, and will always be, so special to me.”

 

ET: “Oh but now Claire eat-hole attach to Jeffrey appendage? Right. ET still special.”

 

CLAIRE: “Don’t take it that way. That’s so like you.”

 

ET: “Claire know ET after 40,000 year apart? No!”

 

CLAIRE: “Jeffrey has been so good to me. He’s an electrical engineer and we have a wonderful life together. I never thought I’d like the suburbs. Why can’t you just be happy for me?”

 

ET: “ET happy. Whatever.”

 

CLAIRE: “Please don’t be like that. I loved you so much. You know that. If you hadn’t gone back to your planet there could have been a future there.”

 

ET: “Oh! Is ET fault? Blame ET! Always space intruder fault.... ET go back to industrial design school on home planet. Get in-state.”

 

CLAIRE: “I know you were saving up. Look, ET. I’m sorry. I have to go. But please take care of yourself.”

 

ET: “Fine Claire have good life too. ET no cry blood tears now. … ET phone Claire? Just to see Claire up to?”

 

CLAIRE: “I don’t think that's a good idea. Goodbye, ET.”

 

ET: “ET say goodbye, Claire.”

 

Kate is a comedy writer. She has worked in some of the most fun places (The President Show, UCBComedy, Pig Apple) and her work has been featured in some of the most fun publications (Hellogiggles, Domino, Bossladies, Higgsweldon, MuseumHack). She is the most fun.