by Luke Strickler

We here at DeVry University love your [PODCAST/CONTENT/ANYTHING], and were wondering if you’d be able to include more talk about online universities in your [PODCAST/CONTENT/ANYTHING]. The Internet education business is a daunting one that both feeds and bites the DeVry hand. With so many free resources available to the youth, it becomes difficult for DeVry to remain the cornerstone of American life it once was. We believe your brand is one that will bring dignity and respect back to the once prestigious DeVry name, and rocket us back to our home at the top of the food chain.

Ideally, we’d like your content to speak more to the benefits of an online education, and are hoping because you’re a creative type, you’ll be able to come up with some!

Though, we understand that simply mentioning the DeVry name does not rivet listeners like in days past, so we are trusting your light touch to seamlessly mesh together your [P/C/A] with the trusted security of over the computer teachings.

Now, if it wasn’t clear already, DeVry University is not a charity, and we plan to compensate you fully for your service to the DeVry. For the first mention of DeVry or other at home college substitutions, you will receive one honorary degree from DeVry University. Though, because it is your first mention, the degree will be limited to the Liberal Arts, but don’t worry. As you become but another arm of the DeVry Durga, more degrees shall you receive. Much like our classes, the only limit is your imagination.

Online education is vital to the heartbeat of the modern workforce, and by partnering with us you’ll be hitching your ride to the only guaranteed success in the market, DeVry University.

DeVry will be honest, we’re in a bit of a pickle. We made some promises we couldn’t keep, some loans we couldn’t pay, and you could really be throwing DeVry a bone here if you played ball. The only thing stopping our eviction is the fact that we don’t have a campus, just many online hubs in hyperspace. But for how long will DeVry’s time in the sun last?

Will you see DeVry go back to the streets where it began, slumming an easy, affordable education from home for a can of beans? We won’t go back to that life. DeVry made it out, through hard work and the quality assured by an online degree. Doesn’t that mean anything anymore? Will you help DeVry keep the American dream alive?

“For there will never cease to be poor in the land. Therefore I command you, ‘You shall open wide your hand to your brother, to the needy and to the poor, in your land.’” Deuteronomy 15:11.

Will you slap God in the face? Will you sit idly by as DeVry ends its chapter in the history books? Or will you accept the call and plug DeVry University in every one of your [CONTENTS], being sure to mentioning our exciting new opportunities in Software Design, Computers, and “Apps”?

DeVry thanks you and hopes it has not wasted your time and money. 

Luke Strickler is a writer in NYC, and a person everywhere else.