Dear Janice Magazine,

I am one of the dads pictured in your recent “These Dads Are Amazing At Eating Pussy” article. I am flabbergasted and ashamed you would publish such hideous libel in your otherwise flawless online magazine.

If you had bothered to contact me before going to press on your hit piece, I would have gladly informed you that I am terrible at eating pussy. I do it poorly, with little zest and maximum resentment. On the rare occasions I can muster up the will to tongue my wife's pussy, I do it slowly and arrhythmically. When she tells me what feels good, I either flat out ignore her or mock her preferences in a high-pitched sing song voice. “Gently!” I say, in a shrill, sarcastic tone. This is usually followed with my head being pushed away from her thighs and the waistband of her sweatpants abruptly returning to their rightful place around her waist. She then grabs the down comforter and turns away from me in a huff as I cum bucket-loads.

None of this is private information. The Washington Post featured me in their recent article, “Appalling Oral: Men Not At Work.” Jezebel.com had a five installment part of me entitled “Look At This Misogynist Asshole I Mean Fuck Come On.” Jon Ronson interviewed me for his recent book, “The Men Who Won't Munch Rugs.” If you had bothered to call, I would have gladly given you my advance copy.

I understand this is the Internet age and the ravenous hunger for clicks has lowered the bar for journalistic integrity. Frankly, as a fellow content creator, I welcome that. But printing blatant lies about my pussy eating skills is not just scraping the bottom of the barrel – it is below the bottom of the barrel. The next time you write about dads who are “amazing” at eating pussy, leave me out of it.

Also, I am not a dad. I will never have a child, as I am worried I'd be too tempted to have sex with it.